By Joshua Brand

The Gooberland Gazette #1

TOP STORY

RAVE REVIEWS POUR IN FOR FINAL BOSS SOUR LAUNCH

  • Snack website opens to public and the buying frenzy begins
  • The Level 1&2 Multipack emerges as the early leader in sales
  • Earth-realm trade publication The Nosh, in covering the launch, claims “The packaging and imagery looks to invoke the feel of old school, 16-bit console video game”
  • Millions learn that Epic Sour Isn’t Made in a Lab!

 

DEVELOPING STORY

GRIMESQUARE METRO DERAILMENT LEAVES DOZENS BLOATED

Amazingly, the fiery crash – caused by the engineer’s exposure to a handful of Level 3 cranberries – resulted in no serious injuries

  • Investigators are still trying to determine why the incident caused several passengers to feel like they just ate Thanksgiving dinner
  • Paramedics arrived at the scene with pickle juice and have successfully reduced the collective swell

 

BUY MORE FINAL BOSS

 

SPORTS

THE FALL SOUR STAMINA SEASON KICKS OFF!

Rookie customer Romain Pavee of Venice, CA breaks through to Level 2

Pavee texted The Gazette to describe his experience, saying:

“Sheesh. Level 2 is SOUR haha…Love it…I ate a full bag in 10 min haha”

Pavee is slated to take on Level 3 this Saturday. Oddsmakers say there is a 4:1 chance he will just snarf and quit

Current Top 5 Standings:

  1. Noah W - Sitka, AK........84 bags
  2. Lily C - Santa Fe, NM.....72 bags
  3. Grayson S - Boulder, CO...72 bags
  4. Ava R - Silverton, OR.....60 bags
  5. Milo B - Ogunquit, ME.....60 bags

Are you in the running? Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to be listed in the standings. 

 

BUY FINAL BOSS

 

ARTS

GOOMIRE COMMUNITY THEATER'S PERFORMANCE OF ‘THE SOUND OF MUCUS’ OPENS TO MIXED REVIEWS

  • Show goes off without a hitch despite Final Boss covering the stage in sauerkraut the night prior
  • Attendees found the set and costumes engaging, the orchestra vibrant, the concessions delightful but the acting utterly uninspiring
  • Said Gazette theater critic, Gabe the Gibbon, of Jezebel Jerboa’s tone-deaf turn as the lead Maria: “Yeah, I’m not sure what that was”

 

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
If we run it, you win free stuff!