By Joshua Brand

The Gooberland Gazette #2

TOP STORY

FINAL BOSS INFILTRATES BILLS MAFIA

    Bills fans holding up packs of Final Boss

     

    WEATHER

    ILL-CONCEIVED DARE LEAVES PARTS OF ELDERGLOOM FOREST COVERED IN GOPHER GUTS

    • “You won’t!” were the regrettable last words uttered by Martin Mole to his chum Gomer Gopher minutes before Gopher exploded 
    • Mole had dared Gopher to eat a handful of forbidden chortlespore mushrooms 
    • Gopher’s inflation came on rapidly and ended with his bits raining down upon annoyed neighbors
    • Despite the smell, Gopher is expected to make a full recovery

     

    BUY MORE FINAL BOSS

     

    SPORTS

    SOUR STAMINA NATIONAL RANKINGS SHOW UPWARD MOVEMENT AMONG NEWCOMERS

    Level 3 Cranberries continue to pose the biggest challenge for players

    Current Top 5 Standings:

    1. Noah W - Sitka, AK........84 bags
    2. Lily C - Santa Fe, NM.....72 bags
    3. Grayson S - Boulder, CO...72 bags
    4. Ava R - Silverton, OR.....60 bags
    5. Milo B - Ogunquit, ME.....60 bags

    Are you in the running? Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to be listed in the standings.

     

    METRO

    MANHATTAN RESIDENT DISCOVERS SOUREST CANDY YET IN LIFELONG QUEST

    • In response to trying Final Boss Sour Fabiana D’Addario tells The Gazette “Dude I gotta say, you…killed it 👏I’ve sought out the most *actually* sour candy since I was 3 years old…Still haven’t stopped…And this is probably one of the best I’ve ever tried.  And not candy 🤯”
    • Reporters are trying to piece together exactly how much time D’Addario has wasted on this pursuit, but early indications are “yikes”

     Man making sour face after eating Final Boss

     

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    Got a Scoop?:
    Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
    If we run it, you win free stuff!