CORN STALKER ANNOUNCES LATEST DROP: A MASSACRE OF FALL FLAVORS ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- Chip Chisolm may have come on a bit too strong, but his message was important: Sour Apple Dippers are here!
- Freshly picked from the Final Boss’ Torture Orchard, these apples will be dipped into 4 different extremely sour powders that will give sourheads the fall feels as they convulse: cherry candy, caramel, churro and pumpkin spice
- Never before have these flavors been smashed together with the kind of Level 2 sour power that can only come from the Final Boss
- The announcement is sure to cause a buying frenzy, but Marky McQuaid of South Boston is not concerned: “Oh you like apples? Well I’m a member of the drop club and get them automatically, how do you like them apples?”
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CARNIVAL ADDS SOUR APPLE DIPPERS TO MENU, SECURING A PASSING GRADE FROM HEALTH DEPT.
- Anyone who has visited Connie Con Carnival knows that the food is just as sketchy as the rides
- With classic fare such as the “Corned Dog” (a mixture of corned beef and cocker spaniel eaten out of a corn husk) and the “Lead Zeppole” (fried clumps of fishing tackle topped with paint chips), park-goers are as likely to puke from lunch as they are from riding the “Scrimpy Scrambler”
- But guests can rejoice now that Connie, the parks owner/operator/mascot, has chosen to offer the new Sour Apple Dippers
- “We hawked Caramel Apples before, but everyone complained that the worms were ‘too mealy’. But these dippers fit the extreme risk-taking vibe of my park, and they are safe and delicious” explained Connie
- This offering, plus an envelope of cash and some physical pressure from the Final Boss, has helped the park now proudly display a D+ health rating
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BRO EATS CRANBERRIES ON RUN TO BIOHACK AWAY CRAMPING
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West Hollywood, CA man says he discovered a secret weapon to cook his buddies on Strava: Level 2 Cranberries
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“I kept getting cramps while running, especially on hot days, but then I remembered a hack a girl I used to see told me in passing” Davis of WeHo said
- “She said she read in W Magazine, which I think stands for ‘Winning’, that cranberries can help with cramping. I was already a huge fan of Final Boss Sour, so I thought, let’s f***ing go!”
- Davis claims he slams a pack mid-stride whenever he feels a plateau coming
- “She said they also help with UTI’s, and I’m here to say they totally do. My Ultimate Time Intervals are sicker than ever!”
- Davis hopes his tip will help other bros like him better control their Performance Management System, or PMS as he now calls it
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RAY FROM HOUSTON ROCKETS INTO FIRST PLACE
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (FALL):
1.RY T - LA PRT, TX.....192 bags
2.JHN B - WDBRDG, VA....168 bags
3.CHRS M - CRY, NC......144 bags
4.RSHD L - MT VRN, NY...144 bags
5.ALX C - LTL FLLS, NY..144 bags
Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.
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