MAGMARA SEEKING ‘LOYAL LOSERS’ TO ENEMY THE TEMPLE OF FLAMES

• Have you repeatedly failed upward? Do peers describe you as “deeply unpleasant yet strangely eager”? Have you been rejected from more prestigious levels due to incompetence, odor or chronic bootlicking?

• Then YOU may qualify for an exciting opportunity beneath the blistering magma chambers of the Temple of Flames!

• Level 4 Souranges miniboss Magmara is now hiring “Loyal Losers” to help maintain order throughout her increasingly unstable volcanic empire

• IDEAL CANDIDATES INCLUDE:

• Washed-up hall monitors

• Applicants with a proven history of blaming coworkers for personal shortcomings

• Those with dim opportunities

• RESPONSIBILITIES:

• Mildly impeding the progress of Hank and Qunnie

• Standing motionless beside flaming doorways for 9-hour shifts

• Screaming “FOR THE FIRE!” during mandatory morale gatherings

• REQUIREMENTS:

• Little moral compass

• Must be defeatable with one strike

• Interested applicants should slide their résumé beneath the scorched obsidian gate on the east end of The Torture Orchard

ADVANCEMENTS IN SOUR CANDY HAVE USHERED IN A WAVE OF IDENTITY THEFT

• It took Apple more than 7 years to develop Face ID and it took a company that makes Sour Apples less than 3 years to develop a workaround

• Final Boss Sour has been developing products that are so sour that they can convulse a face into opening any Apple device, breaking the most sophisticated firewalls

• Such was on display this week when two twerps used Level 4 Souranges to hack a nice mature gentleman’s device after a brazen attack

• In response, big tech has been funnelling marketing dollars into legacy sour candy brand marketing campaigns to convince the general public that “not really sour” is the way to go

• Samsung is quickly developing a citric acid breathalyzer to detect when faces are being tartificially altered

LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND

● LIVE  |  GOOBERLAND CAM 1

Applicants reportedly grateful for the opportunity to fail upward in a more prestigious volcanic setting.

Temple of Flames, Gooberland