April 19, 2024

The Gooberland Gazette #32

TOP STORY

Man in casket holds a box of Final Boss Sour

DECEASED MAN SNUGGLES UP FOR ETERNITY WITH BOX OF LEVEL 3 BLUEBERRIES

The Gazette was sent the random, eerie, yet oddly heartwarming footage last night

The newsdesk has yet to verify anything including:

Why?

What is going on?

I didn’t know you could send anonymous text messages?

Gazette’s reckless extrapolation editor, Dolph Dolphin speculates that the man belonged to a fringe cult of sourheads who pledge eternal service to the Final Boss

More to come on this developing story in future issues

FINANACE

Gorilla holding a ticket and looking sad

MINIBOSS CON ‘24 CANCELED DUE TO MISMANAGED FINANCES

Marketed as “The Preeminent Event for Notable Underlings”, Miniboss Con was canceled last night due to disastrous planning

The buildup to the event promised quality programming including keynote speaker Metal-Man and a roundtable discussion “I’m a Level 2, Why Don’t You Respect Me?” featuring guests Birdo, Leatherhead and Iron Knuckle, moderated by Billton

Dozens of wannabe stooges who purchased tickets are devastated that they can’t go to steal other goon’s ideas and hawk their overpriced Final Boss swag

Robin Robin, the owner of Goomire Motor Inn, where the event was supposed to occur, told The Gazette  “The deposits were due months ago, no permits have been secured and some lobster harassed all of my male staff!”

While the Gooberland Regional Union of Miniboss Professionals (“GRUMP”), did not provide details on the closure, snitches say that Lardsworth, the group’s Treasurer, took the pre-sale money, went triple long on cranberry futures, but lost it all when it was revealed that the acid rain did not adversely affect this year’s crop

SHOP PRO PACK + HAT

PERSONAL ADS

HAT STILL SEEKING HEAD TO REST ON

It’s me, one-size-fits-all/black/trucker seeking sourhead to cover

Last week I posted a thirst trap ad here, yet only a couple dozen of you showed any interest

Now I’ve been demoted from being part of the Elite Pack to being a cheap promotional add-on to the Pro Pack.  It’s humiliating

Maybe I came on too strong?  Maybe I’m not hot?  Maybe I’m bargain bin at an Arkansas Kum & Go?

Correction: emotionally insecure hat looking for confident sour-loving mane to help it get its groove back!

BUY MORE FINAL BOSS

SPORTS

WILLIAM BEATS BRANDON IN PLAY-IN TO CRACK THE TOP 5
 
 UPDATED TOP 5 SOURHEADS: 

 
1. SAJA D -  GRSN, NY....420 bags
2. ERK O - NY, NY........360 bags
3. SHLBI H - PSDN, CA....360 bags
4. PAUL A - BRCK, NJ.....348 bags
5. WLM V - ALHMBR, CA....336 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

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The Gooberland Gazette #32

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The Gooberland Gazette #32

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