February 02, 2024

The Gooberland Gazette #21

TOP STORY

Woman winces as she holds hands with boyfriend

MINNESOTA WOMAN THANKS SOUR BLUEBERRIES FOR RESCUING HER FROM JUST OK BOYFRIEND

Barbara Newhart of Minneapolis felt trapped

She had been dating her boyfriend, Scott, for 4 months and could not muster the courage to break it off

“I am too non-confrontational and there was no ‘good’ reason to end it”

Newhart says she simply lost interest in the well-meaning dude and thought it would wreck him if she dropped the hammer

In a stroke of genius, she started bringing packets of level 3 blueberries on her dates. Whenever Scott would talk about the future, she would simply slam a handful and begin wincing

“It was perfect. While I was getting my sour and antioxidant fix, he was picking up clues without me having to say anything”

Eventually, he broke up with her, and both parted ways with their dignities intact

LAW

GOOBERLAND CITIZENS’ HEALTH RECORDS RELEASED TO THE PUBLIC IN ORDER TO REDUCE SELF ESTEEM
 
“I walked into work and everyone was snickering about my brucellosis” quivered Jen Heifer

Heifer was a victim of the Final Boss’ new initiative to get Gooberlandians to clown on each other more

The Act, titled Reject Individuals Privacy And Autonomy, or “RIPAA”, open-sources individuals’ most embarrassing health conditions so that other members of the community can find new fodder for insults

“I used to be well respected in my community” explains GrimeSquare police captain Doug Dog, “but now everyone calls me ‘Butt Worms’”

A spokesgoon for the Final Boss told The Gazette that the measure is intended to get more critters to turn on each other, thus dividing and distracting the public from the the Boss’ even more sour initiatives

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BUSINESS

JEWELRY SALES, RESTAURANT RESERVATIONS PLUMMET AFTER SOUR CHERRY ANNOUNCEMENT

“I waited for the bros, but the bros never came” cried Diamond Jay Bagley, the owner of Diamond Jay’s Jewelers in Cohasset, Massachusetts

Bagley blames his financial slump on Final Boss Sour’s limited drop of Chocolate Covered Sour Cherries

“Instead of clumsily coming in here and over paying for my gaudy bling, they are satisfying their gals’ sour tooths with this new candy” 

Down the street, BonSoir Fish is also feeling the pinch with fewer Valentine’s Day dinner reservations 

Instead of ponying up for its annual prix fixe menu (where the restaurant forces nervous dudes to pay triple for smaller portions of its worst dishes plus a teaspoon of caviar and a half filled champagne flute) couples are opting to stay home and enjoy the Elite Pack, which comes with a free order of the aforementioned cherries from the limited run 

Not all local proprietors are feeling the pain though, Pete Meat of Jumbo Gym says “These bros are spending all their V-Day savings on premium protein powders and hydro packs”

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SPORTS

PAUL FROM NEW JERSEY JOINS THE 200 CLUB!
 
 UPDATED TOP 5 SOURHEADS: 

1. CHNTL S - ASTLL, GA...204 bags

2. PAUL A - S.BNDBRK, NJ.204 bags

3. ALSHA T - STCKTN, CA..192 bags
3. SPHN C - LWTN, OK.....180 bags
4. ARN W - JCKSNVL, FL...168 bags
5. ARY T - VLY CTR, CA...168 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

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The Gooberland Gazette #21

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Blueberry Launch Menu

The Gooberland Gazette #21

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