ANTI-DOPING CHIEF MOVES TO BAN MANGO DIPPERS FROM OLYMPIC EVENTS
- “There is no way he was naturally brave enough to attempt that move!” whined Guy LaDope, the French Chief of the Anti-Doping Agency, accusing German wrestler Hans Headlocken
- Headlocken had just pulled off the intrepid Kisenosato's Kataguruma to fireman carry and slam his opponent, taking the bronze in the 130kg Greco-Roman category
- LaDope searched Headlocken’s smelly duffle bag and discovered a box of Final Boss Sour’s July Drop the Blue Raspberry Mango Dippers
- LaDope is making an example of the sourhead mat rat, arguing that since sour foods are proven to promote risk-taking behavior, that the powder in the dippers packs are “as toxic to sport as le HGH!”
- A spokesgoon for the Final Boss responded that both the mangos and the powder contain only natural ingredients and vowed to support Headlocken in his appeal
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MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES MOO
In a continuing series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s issue, reporter Genevive Anders-Solstice profiles Moo, the oversized mole tunneling through the SharedShaft Mines, and miniboss of Strawberry Level 3
- Genevive Anders-Solstice: Moo, thank you so much for sitting down with me
- MOO: Who said that?
- GAS: Oh, umm its me, Genevive…from The Gooberland Gazette?
- M: I don’t trust the free press
- GAS: I figured. I’ll make it quick, you’ve been down these shafts for over 80 years, since the last time The Final Boss Sour was in power, what has changed between then and now?
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M: Yes, I was just a pup when the FB preyed on my insecurities and told me to dig for the most sour strawberries on earth and hoard them for him. I was a little worried when I didn’t hear back from him for four score, but then he dropped me a nice note after his latest coup and now I’m an official miniboss!
- GAS: Incredible. He must’ve paid you well for your loyalty?
- M: What?
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GAS: Um, I mean, that’s a great big bushel of level 3 strawberries you’ve got over there
- M: Over where?
- GAS: Thank you for your time
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INSTAGRAMMER TO ASK THERAPIST WHY HE ENJOYS TORTURING HIMSELF WITH SOUR FRUIT
- Through his beard sweat, IG creator Stavros V had an emotional breakthrough while plowing through the Ultimate Sour Sampler Pack
- Stavros learned that he derives pleasure from the extreme sourness and vowed to address the new development with his therapist
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In a nosy attempt to get attention, The Gazette’s impulsive Psychology Editor, Garret Parrot delivered a full diagnosis after watching the 59 seconds post:
"In my opinion, Stavros’ behavior is driven by unconscious drives linked to unresolved conflicts. Given his Greek accent it is very likely that he has internalized a deep sense of guilt for desiring Danimals as a child in a household where homemade greek yogurt was the strict dogma. Now as an adult he is punishing himself with Level 3 cranberries as a form of atonement"
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CARL FROM ALABAMA LOOKING TO RISE OUT OF SILVER MEDAL SPOT
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (SUMMER):
1. CSTN F - ST AGSTN, FL.360 bags
2. CRL W - OWNSX RDS, AL.336 bags
3. SVN L - HNTN BCH, CA..288 bags
4. RSHD L - MT VRN, NY...288 bags
5. MRC S - MNL PK, CA....276 bags
Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.
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Got a Scoop?:
If we run it, you win free stuff!
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