SMART PEOPLE PROVE EATING SOUR MAKES YOU ADVENTUROUS AND HAPPY
- It was recently proven that eating sour foods promotes risk taking, says study conducted by professors at the Sussex Computer Human Interaction Lab
- From what we could make of it, the study had something to do with balloons and vinegar
- In this scientific showdown, Sour destroyed the other four taste receptors
- The authors point out that “Paradoxically, risk-taking is a primitive behaviour that may lead to a happier life by offering a sense of excitement through self-actualization”
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Based on the study, The Gazette’s Math Editor, Count Fumblepaws, expertly extrapolates: Final Boss Sour + Your Mouth = Happiness
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SOUR MILK PROGRAM AT GRIME SQUARE SCHOOLS CREATES STRESS ON JANITOR WORKFORCE
- “Its unequivocally atrocious” said Sloshington Middle School Principal, Mick Mudskipper, about the milk he is still mandated to serve his students every day
- Mudskipper says he is dismayed that the school board has continued to force milk on students, even after the Final Boss turned it all sour
- The milk, which is really only consumed by kids on dares or as a punishment for finishing last in Mario Kart, has been causing illness across campus
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Senior Sloshington Janitor, Chuck Duck, describes the horrors:
“Look man, when I got into the game, I knew there’d be some kid puke to deal with. But since the milk has gone sour? My men can barely keep up with the volume of vomit. I lost two soldiers to the smell last week. We’re almost out of sawdust and if things don’t change, our lovely little school is going to turn into a giant yak shack.”
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INDIANA MAN'S FACE INVERTS AFTER EATING LEVEL 3 CRANBERRIES
- “I have never seen anybody’s eyebrows touch there (sic) mustache before” remarked @kellycarpenter6175 after watching the spectacle on Instagram
- Evansville resident Benjaman Harre, known on IG as @roningt, broadcasted hammering his first handful of Level 3 Cranberries to much fanfare
- Despite the tears and full body convulsions, Harre was able to restore his handsome face, but vows to stick to Level 1’s until his sour stamina is more steady
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CHARLES A. BURSTS INTO THE TOP FIVE DURING AN EPIC WEEK OF SOUR CONSUMPTION
Current Top 5 Standings:
- NCL V - DWNGTN, PA...72 bags
- BRN M - E SYRSE, NY..72 bags
- CHRLS A - CRLTN, TX..60 bags
- RYN B - FRISCO, TX...60 bags
- PL P - W.VLY CT, UT..60 bags
Join the standings! Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated!
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Got a Scoop?:
If we run it, you win free stuff!
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