IN THESE TURBULENT TIMES, MILLENNIALS RESORT TO MUNCHKIN CATS AND SOUR STRAWBERRIES
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Gazette Investigative Reporter Gwen Hen explains what is wrong with a generation that is not hers
- The millennial cohort that grew up on Hogwarts and Venture-Capital-subsidized delivery services is having a very hard time dealing with the horrors that now dominate their social feeds
- Regrettably, they have found safe spaces in two aberrations of nature
- First is the munchkin cat. A controversial breed and inappropriately-named species born with documented health and mobility issues and…oh stop…I can’t…so stinkin’ cute with those little legs, wobbly tushies and high pitched meows!
- Ahem, the next monstrosity was concocted by startup Final Boss Sour and involves taking a perfectly natural whole strawberry, dehydrating it to its own “munchkin” size and then brutalizing with either Level 1, Level 2, Level 3 (or this super limited early access Level 4 Valentines pack!) sour acids
- Greedy for profits, this company disregards the welfare of the berry and…oh my god this is so oddly satisfying…my cheeks are puckered, my eyes are watering, but I like it so much and it tastes amazing
- The sourness has grounded me and re-directed my brain away from my anxious thoughts. Drape me in those kittens now!
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MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES BIGWELL
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Patty O’Owens Tiernan profiles Bigwell who skulks the Torture Orchard as miniboss of Green Apple Level 4
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Patty O’Owens Tiernan: Hello Bigwell. You spent 81 years in Castle Dungeon until The Final Boss pardoned you last year. What gives?
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Bigwell: Yes. It seems that my particular flavor of mayhem has come back into style
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POOT: And how might one describe this flavor?
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B: The dungeon shrink called it “ideologically motivated sadistic violence with authoritarian aggression"
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POOT: Ah, that has become popular again around these parts. And who do you like directing this aggression toward?
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B: Those that don’t follow the sour supremacy of the Final Boss. Also just otters. I can’t stand how cute those little river puppies are
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POOT: Ahem, excuse me for a moment, your sour apples are making my face melt. So you minibossed for the FB before your prison sentence. How has he changed?
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B: When I bossed for him back in the 40’s, he was just as brutal. But he wasn’t as…how do I say this…into himself?
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POOT: Are you referring to his linked-in posts? My god it’s like he thinks he discovered marketing
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B: I wouldn’t know, I still carry a walkie-talkie. But the other day I was acid dusting a fluffle of rebel bunnies in the meadow when he asked me to stop and film him posing by their puddle of tears. He said it was “for content”
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POOT: Welcome to 2026 my friend
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CIPOLLINA AND THE NEWSLETTERS EARN WEBBY NOM FOR THEIR “HIT” “THE SOUR OF LOVE”
- In what may be a bigger comeback than Sam Darnold or the ‘25 Patriots, Mario Cipollina, former bassist of the News – as in Huey Lewis and the – has been nominated for a Webby award for his paid knockoff of the band’s 1985 hit “The Power of Love”
- The song was entered in the “Best Limited Musical In a Sponsored Substack (Under 90 Seconds)” category where it will face off against Polymark favorite “Ex-CNN correspondent Jim Acosta Sings Blue Christmas”
- Cipollina was paid $125 in parking vouchers by cheap startup Final Boss Sour to record the tune in a booth at Mel’s Drive-In on Lincoln in Santa Monica, CA
- And with that, here is a taste of "The Sour of Love":
🎶 It don’t take money, don’t need loot
Just enter your credit card to buy this fruit
It comes on strong and you might think you’ll pass
But it might just be straight gas
That’s the sour of love 🎶
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IN A POSITIVE SIGN FOR GROUNDHOG DAY, SPRING, TX, STEAMBOAT SPRINGS, CO AND SILVER SPRING, MD ALL REPRESENTED IN THE TOP 5
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (WINTER '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNTN, OH...624 bags
2.JSH C - SLVR SPR, MD...384 bags
3.JESSE J - MESA, AZ.....372 bags
4.LRN S - STMBT SPR, CO..288 bags
5.JHNTN K - SPR, TX......300 bags
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Got a Scoop?:
If we run it, you win free stuff!
PAC-MAN™& ©Bandai Namco Entertainment Inc.
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