The entire supply of Watermelon Papaya and its contestant were promptly thrown into the dumpster outside the studio, never again to see the light of day
If you turn up the sound on the video, you can hear the winning watermelon moan like it ate too many corndogs before riding the Scrambler at the county fair moments before eruption
ARACHNOTHORN STEALS ATTENTION FROM PEE WEE HOCKEY CHAMPS
When 6-year-old kit Charlie Chipmunk found a loose puck off a deflection and rifled it past the glove of Marty Muskrat for the golden goal, the Eldergloom Forest Fuzzies captured their first Gooberland Youth District Title in 25 years
For the first time since the Final Boss came back and made everything sour, the forest animals of Cranberry Level 1 were united in pride
That joy lasted for 17 minutes
That’s when Arachnothorn — the level’s doofy miniboss — posted video of himself chugging eight milk cartons at once inside the kids’ locker room
“He just had to make it all about him,” says Mindy Moose, Mom of Fuzzies Forward Minka Moose. “I hate to see my little girl used as a political prop”
Arachnothorn reportedly needed the PR win to distract from fallout following his disastrous appearance on the Derkus Mandrill podcast, where he defended the Final Boss’ use of Citrus Conversion Therapy
But the glory-hounding stunt has only deepened the controversy, with the entire second and third lines now filing formal complaints of stolen victory milk
SOUR PATCH INVENTOR’S GRANDSON BLASTS BRAND FOR CURRENT FORMULA CONTAINING NO KIDS
In wake of this week’s accusation against Reese’s Cups, another candy nepo baby has dropped a bombshell about cost-cutting corporates
Chazz Patch, the great grandson of SeymOUR Patch, the inventor of Sour Patch Kids, claims that the company currently deviates from the original recipe
“My grandpatchy delivered a simple architecture: sourness + kid parts. I opened a pack of today’s gummies and could barely detect a grubby fingernail!”
Patch claims the Big Sour Company is only interested in expanding its bottom line during a period of low birth rates and “no longer cares about delivering that authentic sour kid taste”
For his whole 48 year life, Chazz has made his lineage with the brand his entire personality – a strategy that has yet to yield observable romantic outcomes
“But I will rep SPK no more,” says Patch. “From now on I am all about Final Boss Sour”
“While it might not have real kids in it, it does have real fruit, and kids like real fruit so maybe it's a step in the right direction…”
A spokesperson for Final Boss Sour has declined to acknowledge Patch as a fan of the brand
