“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH” cried 321 kids in unison at Zachary Taylor Elementary in Chesapeake, VA when 4th grader Hugo Lugo stomped on his milk carton
The BLAP hit like a demolition charge and the sound reverberated across the backboards and trash buckets of the gymnasium-turned-cafeteria
Lugo became the most popular kid in school for 46 total hours before Jillian Suster told everyone she saw Primate in theaters with her older cousin
But a Gazette investigation discovered fame was not Lugo’s motive in the box bursting
Instead, Hugo committed the act as a protest against the school’s authoritative censoring of his classmate Andrea’s poem “Principal Donoghue: Decisive Director or Demanding Douche?”
Normally timid, Lugo’s first foray into school politics was reportedly fueled by a crush on Andrea and a handful of Level 4 Souranges
However, his lack of organizational planning post-protest left his movement short lived. Lugo is currently serving two weeks of no free-choice time while Andrea has been assigned a ‘creative writing reflection packet’ on loyalty and gratitude
CRIME
BRUMBLEBUTT IMPLICATED IN THE PLUNDERING OF SHOPPERS’ BAGS AT A SERIES OF DALLAS-METRO WALMARTS
MCKINNEY, TX. The Dallas County Sheriff's Department announced a breakthrough yesterday in a string of violent and destructive thefts occurring inside shopping bags left in vehicles departing select Walmarts across the Metroplex
The incidents include:
The liquefaction of a bottle of EOS Shea Better Body Lotion
The defacing of a Drew Barrymore 6-Qt Programmable Slow Cooker
The unspeakable violation of a NeeDoh Nice Cube Squish Toy
That led police to Brumblebutt – the pirate hippo miniboss of that Level – who has priors for both pillaging and plundering
Prosecutors are convening a grand jury today to pursue charges against the swash-buckling snortlord
Texas Ranger Cordell Walker told The Gazette,“Charging the skallywag won’t be the problem. It’s catching him”
Authorities are urging the public to track his location and, if encountered, “secure the fruit at checkout if you can handle the sting and contact law enforcement immediately”
TEAM FINAL BOSS EARNS FIRST OLYMPIC MEDAL VIA JAKE CANTER
Elite sour candy brand Final Boss Sour takes training its athletes very seriously
Like Nike Basketball Camp or the Under Armour Performance Center, the sour fruit slinger hosts its sponsored competitors inside the Sour Stamina Stadium, buried deep within the Final Boss’ Secret Slophole
Here, a handpicked class of prospects is trained to maintain composure while chewing through Level 1, Level 2, Level 3 — and, for the chosen few, Level 4 of the world’s sourest candy
Sour Stamina Coach and Level 1 Strawberry miniboss Beester pushes recruits to their breaking point. Graduates such as Yankees 2B Jazz Chisholm Jr and MTB Freerider Jaxon Riddle have emerged battle-tested, puckered, and prepared for extreme pressure
The fruits of this hard work were on display this Wednesday as Jake Canter – whose December Big Air Bomb Pop still shocks the system of aspiring sour strongmen – won the bronze medal in the Men’s Snowboard Slopestyle in Milan
Canter topped childhood idols Mark McMorris and Marcus Kleveland to secure the podium his first ever Olympic appearance
The difference-maker? A double cork on the opening up-rail — a trick he had never before attempted in competition
While it has not been officially confirmed that hammering a pack of Level 3 Big Air Bomb Pop provided the necessary intestinal fortitude, The Gazette considers the causal link obvious
