SUPERINTENDENT DEFLECTS GRILLING FROM BOARD OF EDUCATION BY PIVOTING TO SOUR FRUIT TALKING POINTS
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- TROY, NC. Yesterday at the 4-H Exhibit Hall, the entire sixteen member Montgomery County School Board met to conduct a public hearing into Superintendent Shaula Mertz’ misappropriation of funds in front of a crowd of over 200 angry parents
- Sup’t Mertz has been credibly accused of deploying funds earmarked for playground renovations and cafeteria upgrades into prop bets on daily fantasy apps and prediction markets
- But Shaula came in hot with prepared comebacks that all had to do with how sour fruit is much more sour than traditional sour candy
- When board chair Dennis Doogan asked if she really took a $17,000 publicly funded long position on Chris Collinsworth mentioning Patrick Mahomes at least three times during the Super Bowl broadcast, Mertz replied “Well I bet your idea of ‘extreme sour’ is gelatin worms and sugar balls!”
- When Mad Mom Mary McDowell asked Mertz why her school’s swingset is still splintered she replied “legacy sour candy has to cover their sugar with fake fruit flavor. Final Boss is just fruit that's hella sour”
- Prepared insults for County Treasurer Glenda Gowers included “Mango Dipper Doubter” and “Level 1 Pineapple Noob”
- Despite the sour subject matter having nothing to do with the questions being asked, after four hours of talking about Final Boss Sour, everyone in attendance began to experience mouth-watering
- By the end of the hearing, the board were either ordering the Level Up Sampler from the website or texting their spouses to pickup some sour fruit from Walmart on their way home from work
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MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES MELSH
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Oliver Young profiles Melsh, the derpy komodo dragon who was recently tapped for miniboss of Watermelon Kiwi Level 3
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Oliver Young: Greetings Melsh. Thank you for welcoming me into your viscous lagoon of slow-moving watermelon nectar
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Melsh: Hallo! I left my weekly seed sack on the accent table
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OY: Oh, no I’m not the tax warlock, I’m a reporter from The Gooberland Gazette here to profile you as The Final Boss’ latest enforcer
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M: Goll-y! If I’d known, I’d’ve tongue-flicked my hindquarters
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OY: That won’t be necessary. So it was only recently that Hank and Quinnie fell into the Eldergloom Reflection Pond and surfaced here in Watermelonia. Before that, we Gooberlandians thought this place was a myth. What’s it like growing up here?
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M: I guess I don’t know. It’s hard to review the only level you’ve ever loaded into
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OY: Good point! Might that be why the Final Boss is deploying you to Walmarts across the U.S.A.?
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M: That guy is a real hoot. I’m trying to help him out by torturing my community and taking away their freedoms, but I just can’t take to evil as quick as the other bosses who are mentoring me. He says I need exposure to real carnage, so he’s putting me at checkstands in Walmart
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OY: That might do the trick. I’d love to do a follow-up, how might I reach you?
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M: Here’s a list of all my tour stops. I’m most looking forward to Pascagoula, Mississippi since it sounds like my favorite flavor of pulp eels
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LEVEL 2 STRAWBERRY MANGO TOUCHES MAN’S SOUL IN ARIZONA WALMART
- Across pulp culture, there have been a few moments when a main character’s face shifts from normal human to “I have seen the divine”
- Think when Neo first saw the code in The Matrix. When Chief Brody first sees Jaws. When Indiana Jones wisely chooses the right cup
- A new entry to the Face Chills Hall of Fame occurred last weekend in the checkout aisle at the Walmart on Southern Ave, in Tempe, AZ
- Final Boss Sour mouthpiece London Lazerson handed Tempe local Leroy W. his first ever 2-oz bag of Level 2 Strawberry Mango
- After Leroy’s first bite, Instagram scrollers’ watched in stunned silence as he lowered his shades and delivered the line that will define a generation:
- “Bro…It’s satisfying”
- Move over “I’ll have what she’s having”
- In true “Final Boss Sour Can’t Handle This Moment” fashion, Lazerson then failed to convert on Leroy’s clean first-bump closer — a tragic whiff in an otherwise sacred exchange
- But nonetheless, something spiritual occurred at checkout. And who knows, it could happen to you too at participating Walmarts throughout February
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CAN SOMEONE CHECK ON CLAYTON'S MOUTH?
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (WINTER '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNTN, OH...696 bags
2.JSH C - SLVR SPR, MD...492 bags
3.ZCH J - N LS VG, NV....420 bags
4.RBT J - ORL, FL........384 bags
5.TNNR C - ALBQ, NM......372 bags
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