Gazette lifestyle editor Gloria Glowworm follows the hottest trends in summer gettogethers
Hey y’all, summer is unofficially here and it is time to BBQ!
But this year, the meat sweats are out and the sour shakes are in
Good news is that Final Boss Sour is cooking up three mega deals to get your face all twinged up for the warmer weather:
The Basic Berry Bundlerooski is a classic combination of Level 1 strawberries, blueberries and cranberries that can be yours to smash for a whopping40% off
Next is the bold and elegant Mango Tango – an irresistible pair of Level 3 Mango Dippers and Level 2 Strawberry Mango. These two dramatic dancers embrace to create 33% off!
And finally, for the sour-skilled, we have The Level 3 Day Weekend – a tart trio of the most blorching berries. Sure to torture tounges at family gatherings with a price slashed to 40% off
Like the long weekend, it is back to full price work on Tuesday, so stock up on these deals while they last
These opinions are solely those of the editor and are in no way a paid advertisement by Final Boss Sour. But objectively, those are some juicy deals...
POLITICS
NEW DETAILS EMERGE OF THE TARTANTUAN BLOOBERSHIP GIFTED TO THE FINAL BOSS BY EL SQUAWKO
In what’s being called the most blatantly corrupt gift in Gooberland history, El Squawko—the Quetzal King of the mango trade and mini jefe of Mango Level 3—has given the Final Boss a Bloobership reportedly worth over 400 million Wumpa Fruit
The craft is a grotesque masterpiece: a rotten fruit galleon mashed into a steampunk zeppelin, its hull stitched with caramelized mango bark, kiwi fuzz, and sour crystal cannons. It’s propelled by acidic gasbags that hiss like angry cats and emit nostril-burning mist
Enhanced elevation is delivered by fermented fruit bats on chains that drop guava guano on those trying to get a peak at the Boss
Snitches say the gift was a thank-you for the vaporization of Bernardo Burro, El Squawko’s top rival in the sour mango trade
Intimidated economists say the unprecedented exchange will create benefits that will spillover and trickle beyond the Final Boss personally to his inner-most circle of cronies before fully stopping there
OBSESSED MOM RE-SELLS OTHER POUCHES TO FUND ADDICTION TO LEVEL 2 SOUR PINEAPPLES
“Its center square for the win for me. I’ve found my forever fruit and I’m dedicated to spending the rest of my life with him” says Nina Steele, Mom of 4 of Garland, TX
But like most torrid romances, this one comes with complications: “I can only get three of them at a time as part of the Ultimate Tropical Sampler Box”
While less crafty addicts might resort to theft or “night work” to support this expensive habit, Steele tells The Gazette she has found a secondary market for the other 24 pouches in the box
“I started with Ebay and Facebook Marketplace, but found that I could fetch up to $6/ounce on niche autoparts forums and prepper discord servers. I take all the profits from pushing mangos, kiwis and Level 1 & 3 pineapples and pour it back into extracting more Level 2 Pineapples from Tropical Sampler Boxes”
Steele now maintains a steady flow of sour pineapple chunks to the dome and says she has never felt more alive
