REPEAT MANGO DIPPER CUSTOMER STILL CAN’T MASTER “LICK, DIP, EAT” CADENCE
͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- “What I’m tasting is still great, but I just can’t get the sour dust to stay on my mango” lamented Barry Melweiler of Bangor, ME
- Melweiler, whose home office chair and desk are coated in pastel powder, is working through his fourth order of the Final Boss Sour Level 3 Mango Dipper Variety Pack, but still can’t get the coordination down
- “I get the instructions, and in my mind I’m saying ‘lick, dip, eat’, but my hand and mouth are not cooperating”
- The systems analyst for a defense contractor claims he can’t quiet his “happy fingers” from dipping the mango in the powder before he can get his chapped lips around it
- He says the eating part comes uncontrollably or sometimes not at all leaving him hungry and sticky
- Melweiler vows not to give up though, claiming that practice will make perfect and adding “the level 3 grape powder is my favorite, and I’m sure it tastes even better on than mango than it does on my arm hair”
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COME GET READY WITH QUINNIE BEFORE SHE TRAVELS TO THE TROPICS TO LIBERATE NATIONS FROM SOUR TYRANNY
Quinnie the Quokka is Hank the Honeybadger’s sidekick in their mission to gain the sour stamina needed to defeat the Final Boss. She has the best sense of sour fruit location and the most practical packing skills east of the Goomire Wetlands
- Hi y’all—come get ready with me while I pack for South Gooberland, where we’ll be tackling nine hot and tangy levels filled with exotic enemies and maniacal minibosses
- So, travel's tricky. Hank and I are definitely on the “No Fly, Apprehend, and Unflesh with Acid” list, so we have to stow away on the Queen Cringe. In those cases, I always pack my mange and chains so we can pass as indentured oarsmen. Pro tip: limp and flash dead eyes
- Since a lot of our journey will be deep in the rainforest, I never forget my poncho and repellent spray—essential for fending off dripmonkeys and gleeflies. Trust me, you do not want a gleefly rave nesting in your tail tuft
- Also, if you’re like me and need to plummet past the sunlit shallows down to the Abysmal Maw to aquastrike Phosmar and snag his stash of level 2 sour kiwis, you’re gonna need some vaseline amiright?
- Finally, in between levels I plan on soaking in the rays and showing off for the local capybara boars, so I always pack my sea salt volumizing mousse to poof up my fur and amp up my adorability
- Like, comment and subscribe and seeya next time y’all!
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SOUR BLUEBERRY OFFENDED THAT AIR QUOTES APPLIED TO ‘CANDY’
- One level 2 berry is feeling extra blue this week after taking offense to a recent review
- The offensive review was delivered by Amazon shopper Alina K: “I feel guilt free when I give these “candies” to my kids because I know they are healthy and good at the same time”
- Level 2 blueberry tells The Gazette, “I was ripped from my vine, dried for days, brutalized by sour acids, and crammed into a pouch so I could walk shoulder to shoulder with real candy. To imply I’m not is to erase my entire journey”
- Referring to the March 14, 2025 review of the Sour Berry Sampler Pack titled “Guild free candy”, blueberry adds “Well Alina got that part right. I am currently not associated with the Lollipop or any other Candy Guild. But I’m logging hours, saving for my dues, and just because I don’t carry a union card yet doesn’t mean I’m not a legitimate confectionery contributor!”
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CLAYTON FROM OHIO HAS JUST BODIED THE COMPETITION. WITH ONLY TWO WEEKS LEFT TO PLAY, THIS THING MIGHT BE COOKED
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Spring '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH...684 bags
2.SSN G - RNCH CRDV, CA.432 bags
3.JNTH K - SPNG, TX.....396 bags
4.AMBR S - OLNY, MD.....396 bags
5.KVN C - SNT CLRT, CA..384 bags
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