MOM OVERDOES IT SURPRISING KIDS WITH THE NEW TROPICAL SAMPLER BOX ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- When Jenn Swenson of Sherman Oaks, CA opened last week’s Gazette, she jumped at the chance to beat her teenage girls to the sour punch and order the new Ultimate Tropical Sampler Box from Final Boss Sour
- “They don’t even know what email is. Finally, Mom is in the know!”
- When the box arrived at 11am this Tuesday, Swenson did the inexplicable: She put on a muʻumuʻu and oversized sunglasses drove to high school
- While Daisy and Kendra Swenson were roaming the halls after 4th period, Mom burst open the double doors with the open box and yelled “Aloha, soul sisters! It’s time to taste the tropics—sour style!”
- Visiting hours for Daisy and Kendra will be held at the Angeleno Mortuary from 4-6pm on Sunday. In lieu of flowers, Mrs Swenson suggests that mourners try the product, but “be more chill about it”
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MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES DARTHUR
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Brendan O’Brien-Osborne profiles Darthur, the toxic ruler of the Complainforest and the miniboss of Mango Level 1
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Brendan O’Brien-Osborne: Darthur, it is great to meet you. I called all the references you provided but got no connection. So maybe give me a little background?
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Darthur: Right, that’s probably either because they are jealous or don’t exist. Yeah, so I am the longest serving miniboss in history and I have a perfect record
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BOBO: I have you down here as the newest, but OK, what did you do before you were appointed miniboss?
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D: Why would you even ask that? And for the record, The Ribbit Return Fund made money for over 7% of the investors
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BOBO: Lovely. So now that you run the show up here in the canopy, what’re you gonna do?
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D: I’m most excited about my Branch Clearance Protocol. It claims to prevent canopy overcrowding but actually just evicts sloths, toucans, and sugar gliders from high branches to make room for regime-aligned frogs and surveillance lichen
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BOBO: Nice. And are you concerned that Hank and Quinnie might come to your Level and get the juicy sour mangos you are protecting for the Final Boss?
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D: I’m mostly just afraid of being exposed as a fraud. A frog fraud. But all the jealous haters out there can just lick me!
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BOBO: Thanks for your time
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MAN FINDS SOLACE IN SOUR STRAWBERRIES AFTER BEING VIOLATED BY VALET
- Davey Pimpleton hasn’t been the same since he handed over his 2014 Subaru Outback to the valet at Fogo de Chão on E. Washington in Indianapolis
- “The guy totally messed with my seat settings, I can’t get them back!” Pimpleton tells The Gazette
- The CPA and Colts fan describes feelings of anger, shame and disgust: “I feel dirty”
- But the road to recovery is paved with sour, as Pimpleton has taken to munching on Final Boss Sour Level 1 Strawberries to ease his suffering
- “I keep a box in the console. Whenever I mistrust the position of my side-view mirrors, I send a handful. It snaps me out of the doom cycle and lets me make proper eye contact with my automobile again.”
- Pimpleton says he has decided to come forward to help other survivors like him, suggesting that they can all find the sour fruit that’s right for them
- And while he still can’t prove that the guy changed one of his radio presets, he knows he can help change others’ outlooks, one level at a time
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WENDY FROM MINNEAPOLIS ENTERS THE TOP SOURHEAD
CONVERSATION
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Spring '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH...636 bags
2.SSN G - RNCH CRDV, CA.432 bags
3.AMBR S - OLNY, MD.....396 bags
4.KVN C - SNT CLRT, CA..360 bags
5.WNDY B - MNPLS, MN....336 bags
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