MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES BRAYDEN

In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland's minibosses. In today's episode, reporter Scott Keenan-Ivory Daniels profiles Brayden the attention-addicted kickboxing donkey and miniboss of Peaches Level 2

The ring clears. Techno Syndrome hits over the loudspeaker

• Scott Keenan-Ivory Daniels: Hi Brayden, thanks for sitting down with me

• Brayden: It's about time bro! Your paper's been glazing all the other jabronis while I'm over here being HIM

• SKID: Right. So you've been a social media lightning rod since you were a foal, what's with the recent pivot to back alley fight clubbing?

• B: I got sick of the comment trolls so I decided to show all the haters I was a real tough guy. Now I donkey punch suckas into the shadow realm, clip the highlights and go stupid viral

• SKID: I hate that, but I still want to watch

• B: Facts

• SKID: So now you're minibossing for The Final Boss too, guarding his Level 2 Peaches, is that because he's sick like that? Certified menace energy like you?

• B: Oh yeah he's got that dawg…actually – tbh – he kind of blows…and I guess..so do I

• SKID: Oh…well then why work for him?

• B: I got famous young for being – pardon to my species – a jackass. And now I'm stuck with this persona. The only environment where this crap still plays is one where everything is all sour. So as much as I hate him, I need the Final Boss to rule so that I still…matter

• SKID: Good luck with that!

POPULAR NEW DATING APP MATCHES PARTNERS SOLELY BASED ON SOUR FRUIT TOLERANCE

• Cincinnati newlyweds Aaron and Erin Nurfhouser claim their marriage was only possible thanks to "Sour Time," the new dating app that connects singles based entirely on their optimal levels of Final Boss Sour

• Aaron, a 28-year old unemployed voice actor and Erin, a 44-year old partner at Sheldon & Sherman, say they have nothing in common except that they are both Level 3's in Mango and Level 2's in Strawberries, "and that is more than enough to ignite the flames of companionship"

• The app is simple. Greater Cincinnati singles sign up and connect their Final Boss purchase history and reviews

• The algorithm then pairs users whose nervous systems have the same sour tolerance so that they can both share inhibition-free sour snacking and connect on a pH-level

• Traditional dating app preferences like "age" and "gender" are treated as "non-critical nice-to-haves"

• Shockingly, the app boasts longer relationships and higher customer satisfaction than any app on the market

• Just ask Gregg Billows (25) of Blue Ash who is celebrating a 4-month partnership with Franklin Ewers (76) of Norwood Senior Living

• "I never thought about dating older men – or really any man for that matter – but Frank and I are both Level 1 in Cranberry and Level 3 in Pineapple so the rest feels superficial"

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