FRUMPKIN HILLS FARM CRUSHES FIRST QUARTER NUMBERS DUE TO INCREASED BRUTALITY BY BLUEBERRY BOSS LARDSWORTH

• While all the minibosses are generally awful, perhaps none embody the rotten soul of The Final Boss more than Lardsworth

• Greedy, narcissistic, apathetic and entitled, the Blueberry Level 1 boss is the perfect side of bacon to the FB's sour omelet

• And while these traits make him a less than desirable romantic partner, he's an ideal operator for shareholders of Frumpkin Hills Farm (Nasdaq: RUMP) which spiked 16% on Q1 earnings announced after the bell

• Lardsworth declared "material upside in blueberry yield versus preseason guidance" thanks to the Farm's adoption of A.I.

• When asked by analysts to describe the new automation, Lardsworth answered:

• Historically, blueberry picking was an extremely manual process. We hired rats and cats at 'farm [penny] wages' and made them work 12 hours straight with no breaks. My cousins and I had to spend hours whipping and stoning them when they slacked off. Now, we've automated that. We have robots that do all the whipping and stoning for us, and they are much more productive without our typical hourly pastry breaks

WOMAN WHO MAKES RADICAL RED MOST OF HER PERSONALITY HAVING A GREAT WEEK THANKS TO LEVEL 3 SHIRLEY TEMPLE CHERRIES

• Scarlett Rouge of Portage, IN is a big fan of Final Boss Sour's latest drop

• The 38 year old mortician's assistant has built her personal brand around that hyper-saturated, glossy razzmatazz

• "It started with nail polish, then I added lipstick, hair dye, brow pencil and glasses frames" Rouge tells The Gazette without being asked

• The bubbly extrovert says her hobbies include archery, donating blood and watching golf "but only on Sundays when Tiger is in the hunt"

• But her newest obsession "by far" are the maraschino red Shirley Temple Cherries

• "I throw a handful in my mouth and just let the sour cherry red seep into my cheeks and gums. My god I feel so alive!"

• She then went on and on about how she got expelled from boarding school for pulling the fire alarm too many times and how coke is better than pepsi until finally Gazette reporter Drew Shrew — who was only making polite pharmacy line talk — needed an escape hatch

• Shrew grabbed a candy apple colored tablecloth and dangled it in front of an anvil. Ms. Rouge's mouth shut, her pupils dilated, her nostrils flared, she lowered her head and charged

LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND

● LIVE  |  GOOBERLAND CAM 1

A robot stones a rat. Lardsworth eats a turnover

FRUMPKIN HILLS FARM, BLUEBERRY L1, Gooberland