FINAL BOSS CREATES "SUPER SOUR SMASH SCHMOES" SERIES TO ENTERTAIN HIMSELF IN BETWEEN ATROCITIES

• Like most petulant dictators, The Final Boss bubble-bathes in an oversized ornate marble tub while playing out his extermination fantasies with war toys

• Lately, he's taken to smashing together tubby toy figurines of his own minibosses, forcing them to pretend-battle for his love and attention

• One evening, while his mutant hairless cat butler, Caleb, dried him off, The Final Boss whined that he wished the fantasy didn't have to end at bathtime

• Caleb put the wheels in motion and now we have: Super Sour Smash Schmoes

• Every 4th Thursday of the month — on what used to be their day off — all minibosses must report to the Croctogon inside the Final Boss' Secret Slophole, where they are randomly paired for a humiliating fight to the death

• Yesterday, poor naive Melsh was decapitated by Lord Thornback's machete

• Thornback advanced to the semifinals, where he was turned inside out by Billton's floobergun

• Billton believed his intellect would carry him to the title, but he was outmaneuvered by Connie, who concealed a bomb in a shell game—proving, once again, that street smarts trump book smarts in gladiatorial settings

• Defeated losers were rebooted in the Slophole's infirmary while the Final Boss enjoyed his brand new Level 3 Shirley Temple Cherries — which are guaranteed to make a fight club out of your taste buds

HANK AND QUINNIE GO 3D IN NEW TRAILER FOR G FUEL COLLAB

• The crack animators over at gamer-energy giant G Fuel gave Gooberland's heroes some surprise depth in a new spot promoting the Final Boss Sour x G Fuel Shirley Temple Cherries Collectors Box

• Hank, who is default grumpy, has taken a bit to adjust

• "Why is that suspended brick sequence… farther than it looks? I had right. I had left—but only as far as the screenlock allowed. Now I've got straight? Angles??? This is bunk," Hank tells The Gazette

• Adding to Hank's trauma, the director's first shot had him haphazardly opening a tub of Shirley Temple Energy Powder the same way he opened that expired pickle jar in October 2023 and accidentally released the Final Boss Sour from an 80-year exile causing this entire nightmare

• "Yeah, thanks for reminding me, douche" Hank quipped

• Quinnie on the other hand is much more cheerful about her new dimension: "Get a load of me bum. That's proper volume, that is"

• Fans of the trailer will love the new Level 3 Shirley Temple Cherries, which are also in 3D

LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND

● LIVE  |  GOOBERLAND CAM 1

Janitorial crew arrives at 4 a.m. to mop up what's left of Melsh.

The Croctogon, Gooberland