MEET YOUR MINIBOSS: MIKE, BRUTAL ALPHA OF THE MACHETE MANGROVE
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland's minibosses. In today's episode, reporter M. Oliver O'Phelan profiles Mike, brutal alpha macaque of the Machete Mangrove and miniboss of Sour Colada Level 4
• M. Oliver O'Phelan: Hello Mike. I appreciate you generously offering me your time for this profile. You must excuse my nerves but you are most intimidating
• Mike: If you must
• MOOP: You run quite an impressive operation here at the Machete Mangrove. The factory produces a blisteringly sour fruit cocktail of pineapples, coconuts and mangos. The Final Boss must be so pleased
• M: (shrugs)
• MOOP: Right. So, you carry the appearance of an ape that has been through decades of tribal bloodshed. It is no wonder that the other macaques bow to you. Can you please share your villainous origin story?
• M: I was born ugly and disfigured. My wealthy parents found my appearance intolerable so they put me in a basket and floated me down a river. I was raised by birds in a sewer and wreaked havoc on the community above. Then a smarmy businessman exploited my story to get me to run for mayor. When my true nature was exposed and the public turned on me I enacted my ultimate revenge by kidnapping all the first born sons on the Husk Yard. And now…
• MOOP: Wait. Isn't that the plot of Danny DeVito's Penguin in the 2nd Tim Burton Batman?
• M: You dare challenge my alpha status (bares teeth) RAK-RAK-RAK-RAAAAAAAK!
• MOOP: Ok I'm out
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In what he hopes will be the first of a recurring column bemoaning the issues plaguing current culture titled "(blank blank) What Are We Doing??", Gazette overambitious junior staffmember Dirk Turkey critiques a recent spot by candy brand Final Boss Sour
• So the premise is a coke/pepsi-esque taste test to see which is more "mouth-watering sour"
• Spoiler-alert! It's Final Boss Sour, who made the commercial
• What are we doing?? Its band kids emptying their spit valves into giant test tubes. This is supposed to make me want to try their candy?
• But hold on a minute, I peeped the comments and they are calling BS on the whole operation
• I ran it by my sophisticated AI system and it said "Dirk, you are so clever and handsome. Sandy was clearly too intimidated to accept your Linkedin connection with the message we crafted about getting a Philz coffee to talk about our shared interests in Elon Musk and Poetry. And most brass instrument spit valves can only hold about 2ML of warm breath condensation"
• You hear that Final Boss Sour? I mean, what are we doing!???
| LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND |
| ● LIVE | GOOBERLAND CAM 1 |
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| Coconut production reportedly unaffected by Mike's mood; workers describe situation as "Friday" |
| Machete Mangrove Factory Floor, Gooberland |
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