December 29, 2023

The Gooberland Gazette #16

TOP STORY

THE GAZETTE COUNTS DOWN THE 23 BEST SOUR FACE CONTORTIONS OF ‘23
Since the Final Boss Sour took over in September, The Gazette has been keeping track of all the faces that have been temporarily deformed by the sour fruit invasion

In what could become an annual tradition, we have compiled a montage of the 23 gnarliest sour faces of 2023

Who needs to watch a ball drop when you can watch people’s eyebrows drop below their mustaches?

As for the Final Boss himself, according to rumors, he plans to toast in the New Year with a glass filled of sour tears from the watering eyes of his new loyal customers

SPORTS

A meerkat wearing a cowboy hat looks sadly at a bull

FRUMPKIN HILL FARMS STAFF FORCED TO COMPETE IN “BULL TIPPING” TOURNAMENT

Fed up with pancakes and the lack of entertainment in Frumpkin Hills, Lardsworth, the chubby local miniboss, has decided to risk the safety of his overworked staff by mandating they participate in Saturday Night Bull Tipping

The sport’s rules are cruelly simple: each staff member must successfully push over one of Lardsworth’s 14 sleeping bulls in order to earn their way out of the ring

Farmhand Martin Meerkat explains how this plays out: “Yes, unfortunately what happens is that as soon as the first one or two bulls are tipped, the other 12 wake up and are not very pleased with the remaining staff lingering in the ring”

Meerkat describes an ensuing “gore-a-rama” where teeth and bones are shattered to applause from the local townies in attendance

Staff have tried complaining to the Final Boss, who is now a fan and is considering making the sport an Olympic event

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CULTURE

Man covered in sour cranberries blows into conch shell

AMAZON REVIEWER SUMMONS FELLOW ‘SOUR HEADS’ TO ASSEMBLE AROUND FINAL BOSS CRANBERRIES

Nol H. has proudly coined the phrase “sour head” to describe fans of sour foods

In “Tasty!!!!”, his December 5-star review of Level 3 blueberries, H. says “Very good snack for those sour heads out there.”

The ‘sour head’ community has been thriving across the country for decades, but perhaps has not been named until now

When asked about this population, North Carolina State University ecologist Rob Dunn went on a weird tangent and described how the affinity group extends into the animal kingdom:

“For example, wild pigs (Sus scrofa) are really attracted to fermented corn, and gorillas (Gorilla gorilla) have shown a preference for acidic fruits in the ginger family”

All of this points to wild times at SourCon, if that ever exists

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SPORTS

STEPHEN FROM OKLAHOMA SNEAKS INTO THE FINAL TOP 5 OF 2023
 
 Current Top 5 Standings: 

1. ALSHA T - STCKTN, CA..192 bags

2. CHNTL S - ASTLL, GA...180 bags
3. SPHN C - LWTN, OK.....180 bags
4. ARN W - JCKSNVL, FL...168 bags
5. SAJA D - GRRSN, NY....156 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated and join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

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The Gooberland Gazette #16

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The Gooberland Gazette #16

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