January 05, 2024

The Gooberland Gazette #17

TOP STORY

“REPLACE SOUR GUMMIES WITH SOUR DRIED FRUIT” TOPS RESOLUTIONS LISTS FOR 2024
Gazette readers are embracing wellness this January by making this critical and delicious lifestyle change

Cranberry and Blueberry converts say they enjoy the sour burst of energy and the carefree vibes that come from tingling their senses with tart fruits


Rounding out the top 5 in the hastily-conducted poll were:
“Stop worrying about Check Engine light”
“Get more use from single string of dental floss”
“Start ‘TaskRabbit but for dog labor' startup”

“Finish that expensive bottle of hot sauce that kinda sucks”

TECH

Man makes sour face as stares into iPhone

CRAFTY THIEF USES LEVEL 3 BLUEBERRIES TO UNLOCK STOLEN IPHONES

A recent wave of hardware and identity theft has been linked to one man’s affinity for Final Boss Sour Blueberries

The ring works like this: 
First, the thief steals a phone
Then, he hammers a handful of Level 3s and stares at the locked home screen
The extreme sourness contorts his face into thousands of variations, covering 99% of all known facial identity matches
He then unlocks the phone and makes hay with the data

The thief, who facetimed The Gazette from your mom’s phone, says he owes his filched fortune to the Final Boss

Apple’s Chief of Cyber Security, Stan D’Back, assures that his team is all over it and that a fix will be a part of the company’s next battery-draining software update

BUY MORE FINAL BOSS

HEALTH

Animated hippo in maids uniform carries linens full of bed bugs

BED BUG-INFUSED LINEN SERVICE CORNERSTONE OF FINAL BOSS’ SOUR SLEEP PLATFORM

GrimeSquare: At City Hall today, Final Boss lackey Clawrissa unveiled an ambitious effort to reduce the restfulness of city dwellers

The initiative includes mandatory turn down service at all residential apartment buildings with sheets and comforters infested with adult and larva Cimex lectularius, more commonly known as bed bugs

Clawrissa, who is no stranger to parasites herself, says that The Final Boss is using the torment to motivate GrimeSquarians to be “more personally distressed and generally sour towards each other”

The service, which also includes a spritz of lavender pillow spray, is expected to begin in February

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SPORTS

CHANTAILLE BREAKS THE 200 MARK TO CAPTURE 1ST PLACE
 
 THE WEEK'S TOP 5 SOURHEADS: 

1. CHNTL S - ASTLL, GA...204 bags

2. ALSHA T - STCKTN, CA..192 bags
3. SPHN C - LWTN, OK.....180 bags
4. ARN W - JCKSNVL, FL...168 bags
5. SAJA D - GRRSN, NY....156 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated and join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

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The Gooberland Gazette #17

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The Gooberland Gazette #17

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