January 12, 2024

The Gooberland Gazette #18

TOP STORY

Ski instructor covers his ears while surrounded by children

SKI INSTRUCTOR JUST ABOUT HAD IT WITH KIDS BORKED UP ON FINAL BOSS SOUR

“I just wanted to be the cool adult and give the kids something healthy” laments Chett Bickle, Level 1 Certified Instructor of the Ski-Wee unit at Beaver Creek Resort, “but now they won’t stop”

Bickle bought his “lil’ shredders” an Elite Pack to munch on during cocoa breaks. Now they won’t stop challenging each other, and Bickle, to take on higher sour levels

The mayhem has carried over to the slopes, with the Polar Pups group participating in negligent, sour-induced risks like bombing down double blacks while wearing their helmets backwards

The worst part, Bickle claims, are the social risks the tikes are taking. Specifically, they keep asking the instructor "Why don’t you have a girlfriend?" and "Don’t most men your age have real jobs?"

COMMUNITY

MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES CONNIE

In a continuing series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Anders Sweetin-Scott profiles Connie, the owner/operator/mascot of Connie Con Carnival and the miniboss of Blueberry Level 3

Anders Sweetin-Scott: Connie, thanks for sitting down with me.  How’s business over at Connie Con Carnival?

Connie: Always great to see you, Anders.  Business is solid.  Attendance is down due to a deluge of 1-star reviews, but since the game regulations have been relaxed, I am able to extract more money from each sucker… “customer”

ASS: Right, I’ve heard the carnival games have become quite the profit center, can you explain more?

C: Sure. So a big one for me now is a stand where I challenge contestants to throw a baseball pitch over 55mph. It’s a magnet for swole dudes who want to win prizes for their shorties.  Only I’ve rigged it so that the first pitch comes in at 54mph, then each following $10 entry comes in slower and slower until the guy is broke and rage quits

ASS: Wow, sounds totally emasculating

C: Exactly! I paid off my mortgage with bros’ cash, pride and rotator cuffs

ASS: The Final Boss rolled back carnival regulations to make this happen, how do you repay him?

C: I hide his blueberries and I make plushies for his supporters. They may look snuggly but they are actually rock hard and filled with used drywall

BUY MORE FINAL BOSS

REAL ESTATE

ILLINOIS WOMAN PULLED BACK FROM EMOTIONAL SUCK-HOLE THANKS TO SOUR TIP FROM NEIGHBOR

Sometimes your hero lives next door

Joliet, IL resident Melanie H. last month was rescued from a crippling unfulfilled sour void by her neighbor who stepped up when it mattered most and referred her to Final Boss Sour

The heroics were documented in a January 5-star review of the Level 3 Blueberries and Cranberries Multi-Pack 

The hero neighbor, who chose to remain anonymous, recognized that Melanie “has a craving for sour stuff and there’s nothing that has been able to fulfill that void in (her) life” 

The heartwarming story comes with caution though, as Melanie warns that while “These blueberries are both healthy and sour…you can only have a few so be careful”

BUY MORE FINAL BOSS

SPORTS

SOUTHEAST CONFERENCE BOASTS #1 AND #4 SPOTS HEADING INTO PEAK WINTER SEASON
 
 THE WEEK'S TOP 5 SOURHEADS: 

1. CHNTL S - ASTLL, GA...204 bags

2. ALSHA T - STCKTN, CA..192 bags
3. SPHN C - LWTN, OK.....180 bags
4. ARN W - JCKSNVL, FL...168 bags
5. SAJA D - GRRSN, NY....156 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

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The Gooberland Gazette #18

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The Gooberland Gazette #18

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