May 10, 2024

The Gooberland Gazette #35

TOP STORY

Man rises from casket after eating sour blueberries

DECEASED UTAH MAN PERFORMS FINAL BODY SYNAPSES MOMENTS BEFORE HIS FUNERAL

In South Jordan this week, a man, who had been pronounced dead five days prior, performed what morticians are calling a myoclonic jerk induced by extremely sour blueberries

The late Edgar “Deuce” Bennington, a Korean War veteran and avid whittler, apparently had some excess rizz to work out before taking his big sleep in the cremation chamber

His nudnik grandson Justin was credited with the assist in the caper

With his reaction, Col. Bennington joins the ranks of chickens, eels and stag beetles as creatures that exhibit residual nerve activity long after brain oxygen deprivation

LAW

CLASS ACTION LEMON LAWSUIT AGAINST WEASEL WHEELS & DEALS DISMISSED BY FINAL BOSS-APPOINTED JUDGE

It was a disappointing outcome for the 74 sour plaintiffs that were bamboozled by the shady dealership

The lawsuit claims that for years the dealer would take cars with salvage titles, douche them with purell and WD40, have them re-registered under Connie Con Carnival’s lax title program, and sell them to busy commuters as “slightly used”

The dismissal was issued by Judge Sus Walrus who also ordered the plaintiff’s to pay Weasel's legal fees and sign an affidavit declaring they are “just whiny losers” 

Sour James, the LemonDaddy of Eldergloom Forrest and lawyer for the plaintiffs, told The Gazette, “You guys know anyone who can take down 400 billboards and bus stop posters?”

Boxes of All Final Boss Strawberry Flavors

SHOP STRAWBERRIES

SCIENCE

Cooler filled with Final Boss Sour strawberries

BREAKING: LEVEL 1 STRAWBERRIES CAN BE ENJOYED FROZEN

This week, Final Boss Sour customer Chris from Brunswick, GA frantically messaged The Gazette with a game-changing discovery: “OOOH! Try them frozen (they don’t get hard enough to break your teeth)”

Not one to hastily rush publication, Chief Science Correspondent, Topher Gopher, tested the theory and found that freezing the strawberries “unlocks a refreshing element to the sourness, ideal for a hot day”

Gopher explains that Frozen Final Boss is not for everyone, citing a time he asked his friend if he would like some. The friend replied “No. But I would like regular Final Boss later. So, yeah.”

Joke credit

SHOP STRAWBERRY MANGO

SPORTS

ERIK O SMASHES 500 BAGS HOLDING TOP SPOT HEADING INTO SPRING SEASON FINALE ON MAY 31 
 
 UPDATED TOP 5 SOURHEADS: 

 
1. ERIK O -  NY, NY......516 bags
2. SAJA D -  GRSN, NY....420 bags
3. PAUL A - BRCK, NJ.....384 bags
4. SHLBI H - PSDN, CA....360 bags
5. WLM V - ALHMBR, CA....336 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

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The Gooberland Gazette #35

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The Gooberland Gazette #35

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