SLAYED BY STRAWBERRIES: COUPLE BECOMES THE LATEST VICTIMS OF THE FINAL BOSS
The carnage was so gruesome the subtitles switched to Korean
The TikTok mukbang community is reeling from the tragic loss of Jay and Shay
The warning signs were there – the face convulsions accelerating with the onset of each level – but they were ignored in the name of making engaging content
Gazette mortician Vick Vulture called the time of death at 4:43/5:08 and declared the cause to be “acute stress to the gustatory cortex brought on by level 3 strawberries”
In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to throw Jay’s account a follow in hopes that he could hit his 100k goal posthumously
WEATHER
AS RECORD HEAT RAVAGES GRIMESQUARE POWER GRID, FINAL BOSS GRAPPLES BETWEEN DOING NOTHING AND SOMETHING
As the smells of body odor and singed fur waft through the breezeways of Grimesquare, pressure is mounting on city officials to do something
One of The Final Boss Sour’s first measures since returning from exile and taking power was to cut funding for infrastructure across Gooberland, resulting in less bandwidth to handle the high demand for AC units during a heat wave
This week alone, over 1,000 city critters were hospitalized for blackening and shriveling and at least 25 just straight up evaporated
Meanwhile local miniboss Clawrissa has been posting selfies chilling in her penthouse ice box powered by angry letters from desperate city dwellers
In a rare act of empathy, The Final Boss finally caved last night, declaring that all Grimesquarians can cool off in makeshift pools in street potholes filled with sump pumps flowing in drainage from the subway tunnels
Upper East Sider Dottie Otter was too parched to comment as she splashed the goo all over her smoky torso
CHANNELING HENRY FORD, FINAL BOSS CREATES EFFICIENT ASSEMBLY-LINE TO HANDLE TIKTOK VIRALITY
July has brought hot temperatures and even hotter deals for Final Boss Sour fans on TikTok
To keep up with the frenzy, The Final Boss has refashioned alcoves of his secret slophole into a productive workflow
Snitches say a conveyor belt that was previously used to slowly transport his critics into the path of swinging knives and raging fires, is now being used to fulfill orders generated online
Leaked footage shows unexpectedly happy workers filling the 9 chambers of the viral VIP Sampler pack with pouches of soul-rocking sour fruits
JT Marlin research analyst Pump Indump says the setup should allow Final Boss Sour to beat its Q3 EPS estimates by 3 cents
