EMPOWERED BY SOUR KIWIS, AUNT DEB BRINGS EMOTIONAL FIREWORKS TO FAMILY 4TH COOKOUT
“I’ve always felt disrespected by all of you” was just the beginning
This year, in addition to bringing her famous dill potato salad, Deborah “Aunt Deb” Debrowski brought the fireworks by unloading her pent up feelings about her family
Debrowski’s truth bombs came on with a bang and streaked across all picnic tables leaving no family member comfortable
Observers of the feelings flares said the most impressive outbursts roasted Debrowski’s mother for giving unequal adoration for her brother’s Phd over her Certification in Crystal Healing
The same launch trajectory was applied to compare instagram comments on photos of her pet birds to those of cousin Katie’s children
When reached for comment after the party, a satisfied Debrowski gave thanks to a combo of Sangria and Final Boss Sour Strawberry Kiwi for giving her the courage to ruin the event
BUSINESS
MINIBOSSES COLLAB TO CREATE ‘TOXIC TIDES’ ATTRACTION
This holiday weekend marks the grand opening of Toxic Tides, the water park sister attraction to Connie Con Carnival
The experience is a joint venture between Connie and her fellow Miniboss Jawslicer
For years, Connie has wanted to bolt on an extra scam to her middling carnival
She invested in shoddy construction and contrived branding, only she was missing a key element: danger
So she got the croc from the Goomire Wetlands to contribute dangerous and invasive species to the park’s pools and slides including piranhas, poisonous dart frogs and flesh eating bacteria
Now kids can expect to leave the wave pools and twisty slides with fresh abrasions and fewer digits
Connie urges all critters of Gooberland to come test the waters and stay cool this summer
Gazette fashion guru, Wanda Web-Weaver, declares, "Fellas! This season, if your shorts don't make you feel like you're wearing denim underwear, they're simply not short enough!"
Local shy guy turned short shorts enthusiast, Arnie Aardvark, testifies to the power of this dynamic duo: "I was nervous about showing so much hairy leg, but after eating a handful of Final Boss Sour, I felt invincible!"
Not everyone is on board with the new trend. The Final Boss Sour was overheard grumbling, "How am I supposed to be taken seriously when my henchmen look like a beach-themed boyband?"
Sources report he's finalizing a plot to either lengthen all pants or shorten all legs in Gooberland by at least six inches
