DROPPED FROM THE FINAL BOSS’ CLAWS, SOUR STRAWBERRY KIWI LANDS
Do you remember the joy of winning a prize at the Claw Machine? No, no one does
A recent study published by WalMart Vestibule Quarterly states that Americans are more likely to know Richard Karn from Home Improvement than know anyone who’s ever won something from a Claw Machine
The study blames the dearth of winners on the claw having “a grip weaker than Jimmy Carter’s”
Not one to allow for a sweet moment, The Final Boss hijacked Ralph's prize and turned it into an epic drop: Sour Strawberry Kiwi
The level 2 concoction is available to everyone today until supplies last
OP-ED
SHELLSEA: THE ONLY SOUNDS YOU SHOULD ENJOY AT THE BEACH ARE MY MUSIC CHOICES
Shellsea is the succulent miniboss of Blueberry Level 2. Her opinions do not reflect those of The Gazette
Ok losers, I can count on all 28 appendages how many times you’ve asked me to turn down my tunes
What? So you can hear the soothing ocean sounds or the conversation of your friends and family?
How about, you’re welcome that I’ve provided the soundtrack to summer for the past 16 years
And this year, it’s all about private equity-backed re-boots and mashups of hits from the 70’s and 80’s set to spa pool beats
So prep your kids and grandma to listen on repeat to Dua Lipa’s “Cold Heart”, Nicky Minaj’s “Super Freaky Girl” and my fellow miniboss Clawrissa yowling “Two Tickets to Paradise” over a techno version of Springsteen’s “Born to Run”
I don’t respect the classics, and I don’t respect you!
A SECOND DEVASTATING WITHDRAWAL FROM THE JULY 4 HOT DOG EATING CONTEST LINKED TO SOUR CRANBERRIES
With its marketable stars taking cash buyouts to drop out of marquee events, competitive eating is cratering even faster than the PGA
The Nathan’s Contest headliner dropped earlier this month, and just today it was revealed that rising star Davey Peachpitts will also be a scratch due to a brand partnership with Final Boss Sour
When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the sour candy brand was confused and claimed that there is nothing in Peachpitts’ contract that would prevent him from participating
Peachpitts however claims that his withdrawal stems from him consuming a record 76 pouches of Level 3 Sour Cranberries in 10 minutes on a TikTok Live earlier in the week
Davey claims that since that day “I’ve lost my taste for hotdogs…and well everything else too”
