Scritch scratch let his face convulsions trigger tingles from your scalp to your spine
Crinkle crinkle let his sour-induced seizure give you a feeling of personal attention that makes you feel cared for and understood
Tsk tsk as his taste buds melt away, so will your worries and tension and you will feel relaxed and ready to take on your own sour challenge
COMMUNITY
MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES BILLTON In a continuing series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter G. Owen Olson profiles Billton, the ruffled-feathered engineer of the Dume Flume and miniboss of Strawberry Level 2
G. Owen Olson:Billton, thanks for joining me. Why you so mad bro?
Billton: Well I suppose you’d be tickled pink if you engineered a hydro-electric power system that lights half of GrimeSquare and yet no one swiped right on your Tinder profile!?
GOO: Oh right, you feel like no one is respecting your genius?
B: Geniuses like me are often misunderstood. But that doesn’t mean I can’t get vengeance!
GOO:Ok, so this is why you started minibossing for the Final Boss. How’s that going?
B: It’s been mixed. I enjoy being allowed to inflict floods and rolling blackouts on Gooberland districts that don’t appreciate me, but let's just say the conversation at those miniboss mixers is a bit pedestrian
GOO:Word. So on your X account I’ve noticed you claim to be an expert on everything now, not just hydraulic structures?
B:Have you seen my Dume Flume? It is not only a superior power and killing machine, but also a model for how society will function in the future. If I’m not annoyingly loud about important issues that I learned about this morning, The Final Boss might not choose my designs for how to subjugate the common folk
IN RESPONSE TO CRITICISM, THE FINAL BOSS LAUNCHES BRUTAL INSPECTION OF LEVEL 3 STRAWBERRIES
“Less sour than Mike & Ike’s” set him off
When two Amazon customers gave less than stellar reviews claiming that level 3 Strawberries were not that sour, The Final Boss decided to take his frustration out on his indentured servants
Sources inside his secret slophole tell The Gazette The Final Boss made a bulk order and forced his bonded laborers to consume 1,200 level 3 strawberries in one sitting, recording the sour level of each
The result was savage screaming and a blended average of level 2.93 with a +/- 0.11 margin for error
The inhumane study produced additional production lessons that the FB has already incorporated in his pungent dungeon
Jawslicer, making a statement for the Final Boss, encouraged sourheads who feel less than destroyed after consumption to reach out to him directly to be leveled up
