FRUMPKIN HILLS JUNIOR HIGH TO PILOT FINAL BOSS’ ‘SOUR STUDENTS’ CURRICULUM
Since taking over Gooberland last year, The Final Boss himself has grown sour with his constituents’ optimism in the face of his brutal rule
His solution? Make everyone more sour, starting with vulnerable and impressionable pre-teens
So this fall, as insecure pimple-faced kids roll into Frumpkin Hills Jr. High, they are going to experience more changes than those brought on by puberty
The new Sour curriculum includes an arbitrary grading curve based on teeth straightness, an emphasis on student differences “and not in a good way”, and a reading syllabus that includes sour rewrites of classics such as “Johnny Tremain Gives a Stumped Middle Finger to Society and Takes up the Bottle”
FHJS this fall will also feature minor annoyances to push kids to the brink including sharp pink granular hand soap, 8-numbered locker combinations and a gradual reduction in cafeteria seating
Classes begin next Wednesday at 5:49am, students can enroll here
According to a recent study, 341.8 million Americans have missed out on one or more of Final Boss Sour’s Monthly Drops
This staggering statistic shows an epidemic of sour fruit deficiency in this country
The crisis came to a head this week when the Sour Blue Raspberry Mango Dippers sold out before most even knew it was a thing
In an effort to prevent missing out on future drops, the company is proud to announce that they are giving back by allowing sourheads to subscribe to the newly minted Final Boss Sour Monthly Drop Club
For less than $1/day, you can help yourself out. Be surprised and delighted every month when a brand new never-been tasted sour concoction arrives at your doorstep
