Sourheads can also get the drop for free by purchasing a 6-month membership to the Monthly Drop Club
RELIGION
FINAL BOSS SOUR CULT MEMBERS ASKED TO DENOUNCE OTHER TASTE RECEPTORS
Bea Beaver linked up with the Final Boss in his mission to turn Gooberland sour because it added purpose to her banal life gnawing wood on Eldergloom pond
When she escaped from one of his compounds and began her deprogramming this week, she revealed to The Gazettethat one of the early steps towards achieving “pure sour” (the highest status level reserved for minibosses and direct reports to the FB) is to sever ties with “the materialistic and brainwashing agents of sweet, spicy, salty and umami”
Beaver explains she was asked to pen public tweets, written by her guardians, that roast snack brands targeting these tastes. Examples from her account include:
“Hey @slimjim, if you want me to snap into a dog treat, at least make me beg for it”
“Nothing makes being stuck for hours on a tarmac worse than @roldgold pretzels” and
“I really want to be seen eating a @twinkie, said no one ever”
Beaver has apologized for the posts and hopes to one day rekindle her relationship with the other parts of her tongue
Lazerson implores readers to “marvel at the vats of sour acid, savor the FedEx labels and even win a chance to fold a box”
Getting there isn’t for wimps, however. Entry to the slophole is only secured by finding a golden ticket in the bottom of a box of Level 3 or higher sour products*
*Golden ticket is good for a blindfolded roundtrip in the back of a '97 Mazda, a one minute or less sprint through the facility and a 1oz pack of Level 3 Blueberries. Cannot be combined with other offers. Only at participating Final Boss Sour compounds, dungeons and facilities.