BREAKING: LABOR DAY 5K GETS SOUR TWIST
͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- Taking the holiday too literally, The Final Boss has jacked up the workload for Gooberlandians this Monday
- Runners signed up for the annual 5K will now be forced to juggle three slippery pickles while sprinting 17 miles in what The Final Boss calls a ‘marathon of misery’
- Drop a pickle? Kiss three vacation days goodbye!
-
Those not running the race won’t have it much easier as remaining critters will be divided into teams of three and assigned a convertible couch-bed to move up and down a flight of stairs until their local enforcer says 'quit'
- When reached for comment, a spokesgoon for The Final Boss said “Everyone who does not subscribe to this new take on the holiday just has Sour Grapes. You're welcome”
|
|
IF YOU CAN'T MAKE YOUR OWN SOUR GRAPES, STORE-BOUGHT IS FINE
- In the latest episode of The Beakfoot Contessa host Owlna Garden brings her elegant touch to Final Boss Sour's latest drop: Sour Grapes
- "Welcome to the Hamptons—I mean, Goomire Wetlands," Owlna begins with a hoot. "Today, we're making Sour Grapes. How bad can that be?"
- The recipe starts simply enough. "I always use fresh grapes from the Gooberland vineyards," Owlna explains. "Of course, if you can't grow your own grapes under the threat of Final Boss’ grape-squashing minibosses, store-bought is fine."
- Owlna then introduces the star ingredient: a bottle of "Level 4 Sour," stolen from The Final Boss’ secret slophole, and tosses the grapes to coat
- As the episode wraps up, Owlna plates the mouth-puckeringly sour grapes. "How easy was that? These are perfect for your next mandatory neighborhood potluck," she says. "Now, let's hope Feathery makes it through the Pickle Juggling Marathon in time for dinner!"
|
|
ASTRONAUT STUCK IN SPACE "NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE" In an exclusive interview from the Shard Shaft Space Station, astronaut Alan Sheepturd shared his thoughts on being stranded in space with Gazette reporter, Molly Owens O’Nally. Despite technical issues with the space shuttle, Sheepturd remains surprisingly upbeat
- Molly Owens O’Nally: Commander Sheepturd, how are you feeling about being stuck in space, given the malfunctions with the shuttle?
- Alan Sheepturd: Oh, I'm feeling fantastic! Sure, the shuttle's got issues, but that's just part of the adventure, isn't it?
- MOON: That's quite an optimistic outlook. Are you concerned about the risks of staying in space?
- AS: Risks? I eat risks for breakfast. Speaking of eating, have you tried Final Boss Sour? It's out of this world! Final Boss sent us some. Said something about "testing its effects in zero gravity."
- MOON: And how has the sour fruit affected you?
- AS: After you get past the initial pucker, there's this amazing rush. I feel like I could swim back to Earth if I had to!
- MOON: Are you saying the fruit increased your willingness to take risks?
- AS: Increased? More like skyrocketed! I've never felt more alive. I just subscribed to The Drop Club so I can get these every month here in space. I’ll be fine!
- MOON: Well, you heard it here folks, all is well aboard the SSSS
- AS: [in background] Hey, who wants to see me try to lick the outside of the space station?
|
|
RASHEED FROM NEW YORK NOW 25:1 TO TAKE THE SUMMER CROWN
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (SUMMER):
1.RSD L - MT VRN, NY....600 bags
2.MRC S - MNLO PRK, CA..492 bags
3.CLR W - OWNS CRX, AL..492 bags
4.ZCHRY B - MNOT, ND....396 bags 5.CRN F - ST AG, FL.....360 bags
Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.
|
|
Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
If we run it, you win free stuff!
|
|
No longer want to receive these emails? {% unsubscribe %}. {{ organization.name }} {{ organization.full_address }}
{% web_view 'Open in your browser' %}
|
|
|
|
|