To honor the NFL Kickoff this weekend, sour fruit juggernaut Final Boss Sour is offering football fans the opportunity to turn a prop bet into sour gold
Here’s how it works, text 1(424)544-3838 with which wide receiver you think you will gain more yards this weekend: Puka Nacua of the Rams (text us NACUA) or Brandon Aiyuk of the 49ers (text usAIYUK)
The wideouts were chosen by sourheads as the names most resemble the noises they make when they are borked up on level 3
If your pick hits, you will be rewarded with $20 credit towards your next purchase DFB (direct from boss)
No purchase necessary. To enter, must be 18 or older, live in United States and be willing to trust us that this is real. Standard messaging rates apply. Let’s go!
LOCAL EVENTS
QUINNIE FINISHES ARACHNOTHORN AND RECLAIMS ELDERGLOOM FOREST FOR THE RESISTANCE
Critters across the forest rejoiced as their local hero Quinnie the Quokka completed Cranberry Level 1 this week, liberating them from the Final Boss’ sour rule
Qunnie capped off the caper by exploding Arachnothorn with her finishing move, inappropriately named “the foie gras”, where she took some of the spider’s sour cranberries and stuffed them down his foregut
The explosion marked an unceremonious end for Arachnothorn, the level’s miniboss, who thought he was finally getting the respect he deserved when the Final Boss emerged from exile and tapped him for this post
Eldergloomians will remember the spider as the town kook whose rise to power created cognitive dissonance and learned helplessness
The spectacle of the eight-legged explosion has served as vindication and has sparked a reclamation of their sense of self and reality
When reached for comment about Arachnothorn’s kablooey, the Final Boss responded “Who?”
“Billton ain’t got nothing on me bro let’s get it” were the last words bro said before he started his convulsing
The ruffled feathered engineer of the Doom Flume quacked back at bro hard by bombarding his cerebral cortex with erratic electrical impulses that spread rapidly across bro’s brain
On a microscopic level, ion channels in bro’s neurons, responsible for regulating electrical charges, were all jacked up, allowing too many sodium ions to flood in, creating a tidal wave of electrical activity
A more humbled bro then proceeded cautiously into the ShardShaft Mines admitting he “ain’t gonna talk no smack on Moo”