First announced two weeks ago, the mandrill’s gaudy 120-megawatt collider now produces sour mango dipping powder in four natural level-3 flavors and colors: Sour Apple, Blue Raspberry, Cherry, and Grape
The operation is a scientific feat — with mouth-watering positive externalities
But anonymous Collider engineers — those responsible for the actual inventing, yet routinely denied credit — claim the expansion into variety packs has little to do with satisfying Final Boss Sour customers, and everything to do with Derkus indulging his more primitive urges
Gazette zoology editor Clause Mouse explains “More dominant mandrill males display brighter coloration. Derkus has pretty mid tones, so I think he’s overcompensating with flavored dipper powders”
Supporting Mouse’s theory are multiple eyewitness reports that since the Variety Pack launch, Derkus has begun rubbing his chest scent-glands on lower-ranking Collider staff to assert dominance
To avoid public belittlement from the petulant primate, readers are encouraged to submit and consume: Load up on the new Mango Dipper Variety Pack today!
The part reboot, part spinoff that no one asked for premiered this week and critics are in love!
The Daily Gasbag says “Not sure what’s more nauseating, the challenges or the camera work”
TV Misguide explains “Host Roe Jogan wears that Moe Howard wig like a boss!”
Turkey Vulture wonders if the contestants “struggled more with the challenges or with maintaining normal eye contact”
AV Nerd stans “the editors bravely kept most ums, flubs and background laughter in the final cut”
Assortment endorses “If you like tension with no release, this is your new favorite binge watch”
Sour Factor airs Wednesdays at 9pm Eastern / 4:30pm Central on Bosch Electronics Plus — the only streaming network that requires a USB dongle and faxed 2-factor authentication codes
