CRANBERRIES EXPERIENCE TECHNICALLY-ENHANCED TORTURE
͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- Getting your frame crushed, your fluids drained, your skin torched, your body brutalized with sour acids, and your remains sealed in a pouch, sucks. But at least you can look your tormentor in the eye and feel her compassion as she guides you into your final chapter
- Not anymore!
- Yes, fed up with human emotion slowing down his sour domination, The Final Boss has invented the “Cran-tastic Assaultomatic 2000” machine to automate the drying, souring and ultimate descent into darkness for innocent cranberries
- Using society-saving AI and world class machinery, The Final Boss claims to have found true efficiency in mass berry bludgeonation
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MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES FOLLOWS UP WITH ARACHNOTHORN
In a continuing series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Beatrice Unitas Mitchell follows up on her February 2024 interview with Arachnothorn, the miniboss of Eldergloom Forest and protector of Level 1 Cranberries
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Beatrice Unitas Mitchell: Hey Thorny, thanks for the follow up. How has it been lording over Eldergloom Forrest?
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Arachnothorn: I’ll tell you, the first few months were everything I could’ve hoped for. It was a true revenge tour for me. I caged all the wise owls under my anti-hooting bill, recklessly imploded six beaver dams to boost stream flow and filled all unregistered fox dens in with citric acid. I also managed to edit the town record to include all my conspiracy theories, like how deer antlers are implanted to relay signals from the Shadowy Puppymen Order
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BUM: Nice, so now do the citizens believe these?
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A: No, they do not
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BUM: You seem a little sad, what’s up?
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A: Oh, it’s just that not everything is turning out the way I expected. Like I don’t think anyone knew that coating all the beehives with tartaric acid would cripple the forest ecosystem
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BUM: I think everyone knew that
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A: And, maybe its nothing, but The Final Boss has been a little sour to me lately. Every day I send him happy recaps of my torturous rule, but all I ever get in response is ridicule of how one time Hank and Qunnie doinked me and got his Level 1 crans. You’d think a brutal dictator would be a little more forgiving amiright?
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BUM: You are not
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MOB HITMAN FINDS PEACE IN WITNESS PROTECTION THROUGH LEVEL 2 STRAWBERRIES
- Paulie “The Pencil Eye Stabber” Pietro has a lot to atone for
- The top hitter for the Garbanzo Crime Family is said to have whacked over seven “friends of ours” before ratting out his bosses, friends and mother to stay out of the can
- However his recovery process was derailed at step 2 after Pietro discovered Final Boss Sour Level 2 Sour Strawberries
- The goon for hire claims that the stinging sour combined with the sweet strawberry finish pulls his mind out of his troubles and regrets
- “Whenever I start thinking about my cousin Philly and the meat grinder, I just tear open a bag and send a handful. It just takes me to a better place mentally and I can enjoy my new life installing cable hookups in a New Mexico trailer park”
- Pietro says he has also gotten super into Billton, the level’s ruffled-feathered miniboss. “I like how cute the lil’ guy is. All mad, and wears yellow glasses. Reminds me of our real estate appraiser that I had to carve up…hold on, its berry time!”
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CLAYTON FROM OHIO JUMPS FROM 3RD TO 1ST AT THE MIDPOINT OF SPRING SEASON
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Spring '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH...468 bags
2.AMBR S - OLNY, MD.....396 bags
3.SSN G - RNCH CRDV, CA.336 bags
4.KVN C - SNT CLRT, CA..228 bags
5.ETN E - PNDLTN, OR....228 bags
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