Local authorities are warning that this is not a drop, but a permanent product, that is currently only available on TikTok Shop
In other words, there has never been a better time to sign up for TikTok and enter your credit card!
INTERNATIONAL TRADE
BRUMBLEBUTT BLINDSIDED BY NEW ROLE AS SCAPEGOAT
After a week of wicked swells in the market, Brumblebutt – pirate miniboss of Sour Strawberry Mango Level 2 and trade czar to the Final Boss – was hoping to kick off his barnacle-encrusted boots, uncork a dusty bottle of blackstrap rum and gnaw on some smoked eel jerky while one of his mateys piped an eerie shanty on the ocarina
But his respite was soured when he got word via a wailing conch that The Final Boss was throwing him under the rudder, blaming him for the trade wars that almost capsized all of Gooberland’s economy
According to his briny captain’s ledger “Aye, I knew there’d be tradeoffs to minibossin’ for the ole FB. All this booty had to come with knots in the line. But I never charted a course to walking me own plank for his foolish loot-lustin schemes”
Devoid of integrity, Brumble is said to be preparing his butt for the inevitable public lashing
SOUR FRUIT COMPANY OPENS NEW WAREHOUSE WITH 24-HOUR ORDER PROCESSING
This week, upstart sour fruit business Final Boss Sour cut the tape on its brand new fulfillment warehouse, promising tweaking sourheads same- or next-day fulfillment on all orders made through its website or TikTok shop
The development marks a milestone for the fast growing business which analysts says is “starting to get its sh** together”
Lunatics on weekly order cadences can now expect to get their mouth watering sour strawberries, twinge tangling sour cranberries and earth shattering sour blueberries delivered faster than they should be – even if they live somewhere where “streaming” is still a fishing term
The new facility reportedly made Jeff Bezos sweat in his space boots
The Final Boss is challenging all Gazette readers to give it a whirl today
