A groundbreaking study from foot-focused stink tank Sole Searchers has confirmed a startling paradox
According to the study “It’s the same Karens who act all disgusted when someone kicks off their work shoes in coach on a five-hour flight—yet they’ll force you to de-shoe before stepping onto their faux-hardwood floors.”
The study explains that this cohort of Americans welcome all the bacteria associated with bare and socked feet in every room in their house, but not on the carpets below a seat that someone else paid for
Foot-focused pedi-psychologist Archie Bunyan tries to explain why this Venn diagram is a circle:
“I believe it's just about control. They’ve lost control of how they wanted their lives to turn out, but if they can make someone take off or keep on their shoes when they don’t want to, it gives them the quick dopamine hit they need to keep going. I tell all my patients with plantar fascism to just eat more Final Boss Sour. The extreme sourness has been proven to help deliver anxious consumers from their doom cycle. Plus it tastes awesome!”
POLITICS
FINAL BOSS ANNOUNCES SWEEPING TARIFFS AGAINST OTHER RETRO VIDEO GAME REALMS TO BOOST GOOBERLAND’S ISOLATIONISM
Importers across North Gooberland collectively gasped when the Final Boss announced his new trade wars with other game realms
The boss really stuck it to his subjects in the name of acting tough to the inter-console community
Bagu Horsehead, The Goomire Wetlands’ leading supplier of Hyrulean goods says he will now need to raise prices as much as 28% on lon lon milk, hylian rice and hearty stew
Meanwhile Shardshaft mana miner Sage Joch worries about brutal retaliation from Yggdrasil, his top buyer
While econocats are scratching their backs as to the benefit of this platform, snitches in the Final Boss administration say the goal is to untether Gooberland from its 16-bit trading partners
In response to an email from the Gazette about this, The Final Boss responded “Yeah. With no one serious up in our business, I can do horrible things to my people in peace”
PRO-OXIDANT LOBBY FORM CAMPAIGN TO TAKE SOUR BLUEBERRIES OFF THE MARKET
Thursday in Congress, a radical cluster of unstable lobbyists oxidatively stressed that “All Final Boss Sour products containing blueberries must be quenched from digital shelves because of their known ties to antioxidants”
The group’s mission is to restore the imbalance of free radicals > antioxidants, and increase the collective risk of heart disease, cancer and Alzheimer’s
The lobby claims that eating sour blueberries every day can result in reckless donating of electrons and the formation of “dangerously stable” free radicals which could in turn lead to sharper thinking, more stable energy and stronger immune systems for sourheads
