Raising well-adjusted children with appropriate boundaries is hard work. Especially when you spend about half your day on your phone
That’s why busy parents call Gary Toppins the enchanted manny who delivers a blend of structure, wonder, and life lessons – wrapped in charm and mystery
And speaking of enchanted blends, looks like Gary is also introducing Final Boss Sour’s March Drop: Level 2 Sour Strawberry Banana!
This thing slaps – with loud notes of creamy banana and sweet strawberry amplified by the Final Boss’ finest sour acids
This supercalifragilisticexpialidocious sour explosion goes on sale today!
SPORTS
BEESTER’S PEE WEES WIN 6TH STRAIGHT DIVISIONAL SOUR STRENGTH TITLE – KIDS BRING HOME MEDALS AND FRESH TRAUMA
On Beester’s teams, its his way or the highway– because his way leads to titletown
The East Darenghetti Secretary Birds outlasted the Water Hole Worm Snakes yesterday, clinching the 6th consecutive championship for the Sour Strength Coach and Miniboss of Strawberry Level 1
What’s the coach’s secret? According to him its “complete torture of and relentless pressure on my vulnerable youths”
Anonymous parents who are afraid of retaliation say this includes exhausting practice drills like “sour suicides” where kids suck on citrus-acid coated lemons and limes while performing vomit-inducing up-downs
The emotional abuse exceeds the physical as Beester belittles players who tap out early with insults that were already inappropriate in the 1970s
When bravely asked by Gazette sports reporter Henry Hornbill if the abuse juice is worth the squeeze, Beester replied “It’s how I was coached as a youth, and it has molded me into the brutal and blindly obedient brute to the Final Boss that I am today. What could go wrong?”
BANANA SEES SOUR COLLAB AS CRITICAL CAMPAIGN TO BOOST CRED
“Everyone thinks I’m soft” said banana when asked about his bruised ego
Tired of being associated with moist, goopy comfort foods like banana bread and pudding, Banana says it's time to split from the past
That is why – against the advice of his agent – banana agreed to participate in today’s Final Boss Sour March Drop: Level 2 Strawberry Banana
Banana hopes the partnership will boost his a-peel among extreme fruiters who are too hardcore for his typical monkey business
“I’ve worked with strawberry before, but it was always in cheugy smoothies or frilly crêpes,” Banana said. “This time our sweet and creamy chemistry is gonna melt faces and inspire healthy risk taking”
Experts say the campaign is also risky for the banana, as die-hard banana pancake munchers are reportedly disgusted and taking their forks and syrups to chocolate chip
