FINAL BOSS CONSIDERS RETIREMENT AFTER FINALLY COMPLETELY CONSUMING A CUSTOMERS’ SOUL ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- When the Final Boss Sour escaped from exile, turned everything in Gooberland sour and unleashed the fruits of said sourness upon American consumers, he wasn’t exactly sure what he was looking for
- Sure, he enjoyed torturing his animal subjects and he got the occasional dopamine hit from the Internet-famous saying that his products slapped
- But it wasn’t until 4 days ago, when he realized his true north star was a total takeover of human willpower
- This spark was lit by direct-to-consumer customer JD’s review “ADDICTED TO FINAL BOSS”
- In the review, JD admits to eating mango dipper powder by the spoonful and suffering from sour satisfaction withdrawals
- Having summited the Mt. Everest of evil sour candy intentions, snitches say the FB considered hanging up his pilliwinks and going out on a high note
- But then, he realized he is addicted to soul envelopment and has set his sights on possessing entire cohorts of susceptible souls
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CLAWRISSA RE-CUTS OLD HITS TO NARROW INCLUSIVENESS
- Twenty-teens Clawrissa is nearly unrecognizable from the overclocked and unfiltered Cranberry Level 3 miniboss of today
- Yes, before she linked up with the Final Boss, after being canceled for her controversial views on windowsill territorial rights, the pop-star sung about acceptance and harmony for all Gooberlandians
- But today, Clawrissa has announced that she is “fixing the contrast” by re-relasing her past hits with lyrics that better reflect her current outlook
- For example, in her 2013 hit Spay My Name, the chorus line “And all love you’ll find” is now “And just love your own kind”
- 2015’s Open Hearts, Open Paws had the line “and together we will stay” which as of today sings “and deport all the strays”
- Perhaps most jarring is her edit of the 2017 deep track Bunting where she changed “Slow purring, I’m snuggled on your lap” to “Show me papers on that bodega cat”
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Clawrissa fans choosing to live in denial of her recent about-face are encouraged not to update their phones to the latest iOS, as that will trigger an auto-refresh of the lyrics in accordance to an executive order by the Final Boss
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SPORTS WRITER CAN’T MAKE THE MATH WORK ON “SOUR FRUIT BRACKET”
- “My first mistake was doing this in pen” said a defeated Will Wolf, junior sports editor at The Gazette
- As March Madness kicked off this week, Wolf had the unoriginal idea to make a bracket of Final Boss Sour’s fruit lineup to determine the most sour champion
- Confident he had a slam-dunk column, he waited until an hour before deadline to pen his journalistic coup
- “So I had Cranberries vs. Blueberries, then Strawberries vs. Mango Dippers, then Strawberry Mango vs. The Final Box in the medley division…and then things started to come off the rails”
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Cantaloupes and Apples had been eliminated earlier this month via sell-outs, busting his tight 8-fruit tourney. If he brought them back, he’d have to reinstate Cherries, Pineapples, and other Limited Drops
- As panic gripped his chest, Wolf devised two three-fruit double round robin groupings with point winners facing off in a best of five series
- The whole thing made no sense and was scrapped in favor of this recap
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SUSAN FROM CA GRABS THE TWO-SEED IN THE SOUR FIVE CONFERENCES
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Spring '25):
1.AMBR S - OLNY, MD.....396 bags
2.SSN G - RNCH CRDV, CA.228 bags
3.JN B - WDBRGE, VA.....228 bags
4.ETN E - PNDLTN, OR....228 bags
5.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH...216 bags
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Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
If we run it, you win free stuff!
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