In an effort to replace the St. Paddy’s Day Parade – after being pelted by ice balls and boiled cabbage from his convertible perch at last year’s event – Duluth MN Mayor Doug Doobie fast-tracked 5th grader Minnow Mable’s adorable proposal for a Pi Day Celebration
But now as 3/14 approaches, Mayor Doobie finds himself scrambling to execute the 5th grader’s elaborate plan that he didn’t bother to read until this week
An anonymous deputy mayor tells The Gazette:
“Her mathematically precise route, which starts at the geographic center of a circle (with points touching Enger Tower, the lift bridge, and a Dairy Queen in West Duluth), requires parade-ers to march outward along two radii before expanding exponentially by a factor of 3.1415...until the entire circumference of the designated “Pi Zone” is occupied. The problem? That circumference includes private homes, Interstate 35, Spirit Mountain, the Canal Park boardwalk, and an industrial lot full of decommissioned snowplows”
Furthermore, Miss Mable’s plan includes the distribution of 2πr worth of Final Boss Sour Level 3 Strawberries, the lil’ genius’ favorite snack, or enough to cover the entire area in sweet and sour goodness
The city is reporting closures on every road today and is taking a serious look at Jimmy Jacob’s May the Fourth parade plan that was approved earlier this month
BUSINESS
DERKUS DIPPING A DIZZYING DOSE OF HIS OWN DIP
Celebrating the smashing success of his Level 3 Blue Raspberry Mango Dippers, Derkus has been seen at parties and work functions getting a little “too high on his own supply”
Insiders say the eccentric CEO of the Sour Dust Particle Collider has been consuming his own pouches so rapidly that he has skipped the “Lick” phase of the product’s “Lick, Dip, Enjoy” mantra
“Yeah man,” says Collider custodian Manny Mouse “He just curls the mango like a playground slide into his mouth and just pours the powder down the hatch”
The mandrill’s disgruntled exes tell The Gazette that he is so into the sour power of his particle-collided dip that he brushes his teeth with it and uses it to cauterize shaving cuts
Economists warn that Derkus’ unchecked Blue Raspberry Dip hoovering has led to both his erratic risk taking and a shrinking supply of Mango Dippers, which could drive up prices. Fans are encouraged to stock up today – both to stabilize the market and mitigate the mandrill’s mood swings
ADVICE: LADIES, FIND YOURSELF A MAN WHO CAN HANDLE A LITTLE STICKINESS
Does your boyfriend flinch at the first sign of discomfort? Does he crumble under pressure like a stale wafer? Gazette Love editor Shonda Shrew tells readers to “Get yourself a man who doesn’t. Like Amazon shopper Ian”
Shrew is of course referring to Ian, the author of the now-lengendary November 2024 review of Final Boss Sour VIP Sampler Pack“Sour and tasty”
In the review, Ian says of the sour strawberries “They do get a bit sticky, but that’s not a big deal for me”
You know what else is probably not a big deal for Ian?
✅ Meeting your parents ✅ Laughing at your work inside jokes ✅ Defining the relationship
Yes, Ian is the poster man for a new kind of masculinity – one that shrugs off difficult topics yet still has deep appreciation for the sour and sweetness of companionship
