GELATIN LOWKEY VAGUE ON WHETHER IT’S MADE OF HORSE ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- We all heard as kids that gelatin is made of horse. But that can’t be true…right?
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Two bored wranglers at the Flying H Ranch in Big Horn, WY did a deep dive on the subject and were shockingly left with more questions than answers
- As a fiercely independent publication, The Gazette takes no stance on whether your favorite gummy snacks contain hooves, hide, or other equine-adjacent bi-products
- However, research has shown that for decades consumers have given the gelatin industry remarkable latitude on disclosing which animals (and which parts) are included in their gummy recipes
- So if you are not up for barnyard Russian roulette, you can relax knowing that Final Boss Sour is proudly “Horseless Since 2023”
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WITH DROP NEARLY SOLD OUT, THE FINAL BOSS ANXIOUSLY AWAITS THE CARNAGE CAUSED BY LEVEL 4 SOUR APPLES
- Snitches inside his pungent dungeon tell The Gazette that the Final Boss has spent most of his week tuned into police scanners, school board online forums and CDC warnings to soak in the damage caused by his release of Level 4 Sour Apples
- The Boss set an elaborate trap, teasing the release of level 4 for months with cryptic hints and even posting a “coming soon” sign on the box of his best selling sampler
- When his underlings, donning bandages and eye patches, presented him with the toxic tartness he set the last phase in motion and converted the thirsty customers
- The Final Boss urges all customers suffering from taste bud extermination, uncontrollable displays of risk taking, and disillusionment of what previously constituted sour to inject their complaints straight up his veins
- To join the list of the inflicted, grab one of the last few boxes today
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CAR WASH ATTENDANT RANKS LEVEL 2 STRAWBERRIES AS TOP CARPET SNACK
- “The pay is fine, but I stay for perks” said Clyde Jacobs, Senior Vacuum Attendant of his work at The Golden Nozzle Car Wash in Worcester, MA
- His favorite perk? The free snacks left on the floors and between the seats of family cars
- The ten-year attendant explains “I’ve put my time in here, so now A) I get first pick of clients and 1) I can recognize which cars will produce the best eating”
- Cars with carseats, Jacobs says, tend to have the highest yield of linty treats, but they lean toward the mundane. “Mostly damp Cheerios and dried apple pouches”
- “As my pallet has refined, I am now exclusively on the hunt for Final Boss Sour Level 2 Strawberries, a premium snack most commonly found in the backseats of trendy mom cars like the Volvo XC90”
- Jacobs says he prefers the berries over all the other ant-encrusted morsels because “it's the right level of sourness for my tolerance. Plus on hot days they can form a solid adhesion to the fibers...so even if I miss 'em at first glance, they can survive my hoovering, granting me a second chance at glory”
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VICTORIA FROM ALBUQUERQUE TAKES THE WINTER '25 CROWN. CHAMPIONSHIP RUN MAKES HER A ROLE MODEL FOR ALL YOUNG SOURHEADS
FINAL SOURHEAD RANKINGS (WINTER '24-'25):
1.VCTRA R - ABQ, NM.....552 bags
2.MLDY C - ESLY, SC.....324 bags
3.BRN S - RSVLL, CA.....312 bags
4.JLNE C - FT WTH, TX...312 bags
5.DMTRS S - PPLLN, NE...300 bags
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Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
If we run it, you win free stuff!
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