At what age are kids allowed to ride the chairlifts without adult supervision? Powder Mountain in Eden, UT has just raised its official guidance to “two years older than these two turds”
Jerry Gaper, Lift Evacuation Specialist of the Powder Ski Patrol describes the carnage:
"Yeah it was a real bummer. But the good news is one of those little shredders shared a bag of new Final Boss Sour Level 4 Sour Apples. When I first popped one I thought I was getting ahead of my skis dabbling in Level 4. My taste buds went full yard sale. But the sour really got me ripping, the taste was more epic than fresh pow, and I’m still hot dogging over the all natural ingredients"
ARACHNOTHORN CLAIMS HE IS ACTUALLY DIRECTOR OF “HE FISHIN’, SEE?”
When the Final Boss came to power, Arachnothorn, Eldergloom Forests’ local crackpot, was naturally assigned to a position of great responsibility as Level 1 Cranberry miniboss
And while perhaps a more modest goblin might have just assumed the position and quietly accumulated the illicit spoils, Arachnothorn don’t roll that way
The miniboss arrogantly proclaimed a platform that would simultaneously enact vengeance on those who discounted his conspiracy theories and increase the efficiency of the inner workings of the forrest
The spider promised that only he could save a trillion credits by optimizing squirrel nut distribution and reducing the costs associated with morning dove air traffic
However, 15 months later, the deficit has ballooned more than his girlfriend’s larva sack and Eldergloomians want answers
When presented with video footage of his platform promises, Arachnothorn said “Radical news putting words in my mouthparts. I’m not in charge of efficiency, I just like fishing, see?”
WATCHING SOUR FRUIT VIDEOS NOW THE SECOND LEADING CAUSE OF DEHYDRATION AMONG TIKTOK USERS
The Surgeon General has issued a stark warning to “all Americans who get served a lot of Final Boss Sour videos on their TikTok algorithm. Please preserve and replenish your mouth water on the reg to avoid hospitalization”
This comes after school nurse’s offices and local urgent cares scramble to handle the influx of patients suffering from “acute fruit pursuit”
Dr. Ums Tick of New York Presbyterian explains “We humans need to keep a healthy supply of mouth water on us at all times so that we can be prepared for unexpected forces – like the smell of sausage and peppers on the street while exiting the Yankee game. Overstimulation of the mouth water glands via repeated exposure to sour fruit thirst trap videos can leave us woefully devoid of a necessary bodily fluid”
For those who cannot control their tiktok usage, the Surgeon General suggests that they “like videos from Sour Patch Kids, Warheads and other bland products so that they can train the algo to keep their whistles from getting too wet”
