AVIAN-ATTACHED AMERICAN AIRLINES AGENT DELIGHTED THAT SOUR BLUEBERRIES ARE COMPATABLE WITH HER ‘PARAKETO DIET' ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- Penny Pecker of Prospect Park, PA is really into birds
- The obsession began back in ‘94 when her husband Dick flew the coop, but a family of white-breasted nuthatches stuck around in her garden even when the weather got lousy
- Now 68, Pecker has surprising agility, easily hoisting oversized luggage, while her sharp mind delivers retorts fast enough to stop even the angriest customers mid-rant. She credits both to her diet: she only eats what birds eat
- Her meals consist mostly of seeds and insects, but don’t mistake her for a hippie-forager
- “When I go to Wegman’s, I load up on Kind Bars, Post cereals and really anything by the good folks at Nature’s Valley.” Pecker tells The Gazette. “For protein, ca-caw, I like to take a big spoonful of whatever got stuck and died between my screens and storm windows”
- Lately, however, the birder has been flying high thanks to her discovery of Final Boss Sour Level 1 Blueberries
- Since its just berries with a clean ingredient panel, Pecker can munch all day while still living by the law of the perch
- Even better, the bold and sour flavors have put a little extra wind in her wings. She’s added plumage to her wardrobe including horn-rimmed glasses and flower ruffles on her blouse
- Yes, it appears this old hen might be displaying courtship behaviors after a long stretch of silent springs
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MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES STINGY
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Deborah O’Reilly-Kennedy profiles Stingy, the caustic Scorpion of Mount Zingano and miniboss of Pineapple Level 1
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Deborah O’Reilly-Kennedy: Hello Stingy! It’s so nice to meet you, do you mind if I record our conversation?
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Stingy: What the hell! Who are you? Get out of my smolderhole!
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DORK: Oh. I’m a reporter from the Gazette, we have an interview scheduled?
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S: I don’t talk to the ash weevils that lick soot out of my butt, why would I talk to the lamestream media!?
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DORK: So as part of my paper’s Spineless Subjugation Settlement, The Final Boss has agreed to let us do profiles on all his minibosses?
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S: Blast my book lungs
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DORK: Yes. So my first question. Why you so mad bro?
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S: Ugh, let's see. My mom tried to eat me when I was a scorpling. I live on piping hot magma rock. And all the gals around here are parthenogenic, or at least that’s what they tell me
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DORK: Bummer. Well now you have an upper middle-management gig guarding Level 1 Sour Pineapples. That must be nice
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S: Yeah, I liked the job. Until I met you. We done here?
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LYRICAL LEMONADE DROP SPARKS NEW INNOVATION IN BURGEONING ‘X, BUT ALSO TASTES LIKE Y’ MARKETPLACE
- About once a decade, a breakthrough product emerges that launches a new sub-economy of fast followers
- In the twenty-teens, Uber’s launch spurred a deluge of web 2.0 marketplaces — and now you can download an app and hire Sean Astin to sing a Shire shanty in Westron on-demand
- In the aughts, Chipotle gave us indigestion and a slew of copycats that now let us customize our Korean Pasta Handrolls
- In the nineties Deep Impact had a somber president Morgan Freeman give birth to a sweaty-faced astro-rigger played by Ben Affleck in Armageddon just two months later
- And this decade, Final Boss Sour’s epic Collaboration with Lyrical Lemonade, Level 1 Sour Strawberry Lemonade, has investors funneling money into the next “thing that also tastes like other thing”
- Yes, it appears that the success of “real strawberries that also taste like tart lemonade”, has opened the floodgates for pitch decks touting concepts like:
- Chicken, but also tastes like barbeque sauce
- Opioid analgesics, but they also taste like cherry Starbusts, and
- Shaquille O’Neil faces, but they also taste like food dyes
- But unlike these surefire unicorns, Strawberry Lemonade is only here until it sells out — which is going to happen faster than you can say Kazaam!
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CLAYTON WINS SPRING '25 BY A SPREAD WIDER THAN TIGER'S 2000 US OPEN AT PEBBLE BEACH. SUMMER SEASON HAS OFFICIALLY KICKED OFF.
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Spring '25 Final):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH...864 bags
2.SSN G - RNCH CRDV, CA.492 bags
3.JNTH K - SPNG, TX.....492 bags
4.AMBR S - OLNY, MD.....396 bags
5.KVN C - SNT CLRT, CA..384 bags
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