IN EPIC SENIOR PRANK, YEARBOOK SHOWS PAGES OF THE AFTERMATH OF LEVEL 3 STRAWBERRIES ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- WILLOWBROOK, IL - The entire Class of 2025, in an attempt to cement their status in Willowbrook High’s history, secretly consumed Final Boss Sour Level 3 strawberries moments before yearbook photos, resulting in 248 portraits that could strip paint off a barn door
- "My mom says I look the food critic from Ratatouille," said class president Jorge Martinez
- Principal Millbag initially threatened reshoots until the yearbook committee noted that synchronized suffering created the most unified class portrait in school history
- "For once, nobody looks awkward," observed yearbook editor Martha Chen. "Just universally traumatized by sour acid"
- Local photographer Gary Hendricks called it "either the worst day of my career or my masterpiece" and is reportedly submitting the collection to the National Portrait Gallery as "American Adolescence: A Study in Collective Regret"
- The administration has banned all fruit with sourness ratings above "mild lemon" from school premises
-
Final Boss Sour, supplier of the Level 3 Strawberries, has reported a 400% spike in orders from copycat schools nationwide
|
|
ARACHNOTHORN DISBANDS NATIONAL POWER-UPS COUNCIL, CITING FAUX-SCIENCE
- For decades, power-ups have been a critical facet for upward mobility across all levels of Gooberland
- The four-legged founders once decreed that even the feeblest field mouse had the inalienable right to gnaw up and smash a hovering brick, unleashing an emerald-encrusted pinecone which, when consumed, would double the mouse’s size—until it was womped by a buzzloon and returned to its small-stature
- Power-ups proliferated throughout the years thanks to the tireless, apolitical labors of Interlevel Council of Ups in Power or I-C-U-P
- The high council conducted exhaustive research that has yielded society-enhancing developments like:
- Golden flies that give you a frog suit
- Saucy meatballs that make a propeller pop out of your butt, and
- Lamb chops that let you sing so bad the whole frame turns to stone
- But now, Augmentology enters a Dark Age as Arachnothorn, the derpy miniboss of Cranberry Level 1 and the director of Make the Disadvantaged Disadvantaged Again has fired all 15 ICUP members
- Citing “shaky science” and research suggesting that “experiencing enhanced existence can lead to memory loss of one’s place in life,” the spider has decided that his own social mobility must not be threatened by anyone he can currently punch down on
- Through a spokesgoon, The Final Boss denies that this order was a direct response to Hank and Qunnie advancing into the new Tropical Levels, stating that “I told Arachnothorn to go nuts on creature well-being, and this is 100% nuts”
|
|
BITTER NEW ZEALANDERS SUE FINAL BOSS SOUR OVER USE OF ‘SOUR KIWIS’
- In a new lawsuit filed in The International Court of Uber Pettiness (I-C-U-P), a group of disgruntled New Zealand nationals have sued American startup Final Boss Sour over its alleged misuse of the term “Sour Kiwis”
- The plaintiffs claim cultural misappropriation, stating in the brief: “Oi, they’re makin’ money off me good name, eh!”
- It appears the group believes that they are the original Sour Kiwis, since they are all pissed about getting grouped in with Australians
- Murray Fumeston, spokesman for the group of 27 half-drunk South Islanders and one salty sheep tells The Gazette
“Most folks reckon New Zealand’s just a wee chunk o’ the continent Australia — yeah, nah, bullocks to that! Then you get the so-called ‘woke academics’ bangin’ on about how we’re part of some made-up region called Oceania or Australasia — like they’re bloody Tolkien drawin’ up Middle-earth maps and we’re their pet hobbits! Oi, we’re sour as, mate. We’re takin’ legal action to set the record straight: we live on a mostly drowned continent called Zealandia — 94% submerged, thank you very much. It’s tropical as, swarmin’ with orcas, colossal squids, and probably the odd mermaid havin’ a paddle. So quit takin’ the piss by makin’ us Level 1, 2, and 3 of your Tropical Sampler Pack. We’re not your fruity punchline!!”
- Attorneys for Final Boss Sour say they are taking the lawsuit seriously and will respond “as soon as we can find a lawyer who speaks High Elvish”
|
|
SOPHIE T. FROM LA OPENS WITH A FORMIDABLE LEAD IN THE SUMMER SEASON
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Summer '25):
1.SPH T - LA, CA........504 bags
2.CHLS K - ATL, GA......252 bags
3.NTL L - PHX, AZ.......216 bags
4.JCB M - OMA, NE.......204 bags
5.KHM T - MDST, CA......168 bags
|
|
Got a Scoop?:
If we run it, you win free stuff!
|
|
No longer want to receive these emails? {% unsubscribe %}.
{{ organization.name }} {{ organization.full_address }}
{% web_view 'Open in your browser' %}
|
|
|
|
|
