‘24’ SPINOFF ‘27 PACK: THE JACK SOUR FILES’ CHRONICLES THE TROPICAL SAMPLER CASE RACE ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- Fans of the 2000’s classic time-ticking drama should temper their excitement as a new sour-candy inspired spinoff is released next Monday afternoon on the Vizio HDM13+ streaming network
- The series, set in real time, follows Jack Bauer’s brother Jack Sour (because sometimes brothers have the same first name and a rhyming last name) as he patriotically consumes an entire Final Boss Sour Tropical Sampler in order to thwart a convoluted terrorist attack on the city of Milwaukee
- Sour is helped by elite hacker Chole Mango’Brien who uses Google to locate the ecommerce website and cross references her credit card and Jack’s address to get him the box within 3 business days
- You’d think that the dead air episodes in between ordering and delivery would be taxing on the viewer, but critic says “it’s not as excruciating as the wait to get the actual mouth watering candy!”
- Kiefer Sutherland’s real brother Angus opted out of an Executive Producer role due to conflicts between his actual email address and the one the show had on file
- Will Jack Sour be able to consume a harrowing gauntlet of 3 tropical fruits, 3 pouches each, across 3 escalating sour levels—aka the dreaded 27-Pack Protocol – in time to prevent a nerve gas release in the Oak Creek Ikea? Shuffle the inputs on select appliances to find out!
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MOO UNAWARE IT PEAK STRAWBERRY SEASON
- Living deep in a dark, dank, dirty, dangerous mine has a lot of benefits. But one drawback is the lack of generally knowing what season it is
- And so it is for Moo, the oversized mole, lead excavator of the ShardShaft Mines and miniboss of Strawberry Level 3
- So while June is the sweet spot for strawberry picking across both the U.S and Gooberland – driving tourism and mass consumption of tarts, pies and jams – the guardian of the sourest patch of berries in the world is, ironically, unfazed
- Moo doesn’t have much of a sense of, well anything. His eyes have atrophied in the absence of light, his hearing is shot from excessive dynamite blasting, he’s out of touch from decades of isolation, he picked his nose to completion and he burned his taste buds off by eating too many Level 3 Strawberries
- And yet, this humble dirt gremlin has found purpose: unquestioningly carrying out the evil deeds of the Final Boss in his mission to turn everything sour
- Recent shameful acts include the tartification of Gooberland’s water supply (achieved by mixing acid deposits into the well lines) and the infamous Sinkhole Surprise that swallowed seventeen sixth graders on their field trip to the Dino Dig
- So this strawberry season, raise a lemonade to Moo, who reminds us that no matter how busted someone’s entire existence is, they can still be inspired to inflict suffering on others
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SPOTTED: SERENDA VAN DER WOODSEN GOES LEVEL 3 SOUR — AND WE’RE SHOOK
- She once waltzed into Grand Central with a Louis Vuitton and a secret. Now? She’s downing Level 3 Blueberries like they’re detox tea from Canyon Ranch
- In a raw, untagged video (no spawn-con in sight), Blake Lively popped a fistful of Final Boss Sour Level 3s and declared, “I’m obsessed with them.” No promo. No filter. Just full-frontal fruit lust
- Has the queen of the Met Steps traded Prosecco for pucker?
- Would Blair be caught dead mid-sour-snack face?
- Is this the new yogurt-on-the-dress moment?
- Sources say she ate the whole bag. And maybe…her legacy.
- You know you love me.
- XOXO, Goober Girl 🍇
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MAX FROM MILL VALLEY STEPS INTO THE 2-SPOT
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Summer '25):
1.SPH T - LA, CA........504 bags
2.MXFLD N - ML VL, CA...264 bags
3.CHLS K - ATL, GA......252 bags
4.NTL L - PHX, AZ.......216 bags
5.JCB M - OMA, NE.......204 bags
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