A recent Glassdoor survey found that 73% of Gen Z employees report hearing a voice in their head that says “will work see this?” before they fire out a social post
Within this cohort, 89% find it an incredulous invasion of privacy that someone in their office might consume a piece of content they put out for the world to see in hopes of upping their follower count
Clippins describes the brand new product as tasting “like a blue cherry gatorade, only if it was hella sour and not made of liquified ADHD”
Real tart cherries drenched in an electrifying blue raspberry sour dust from the Final Boss’ top-secret stash were enough to neutralize her boss’s uptight energy and activate his long-dormant recess brain
The drop goes on sale today so readers are encouraged to buy enough for the entire office!
PERSONAL FINANCE
BRUMBLEBUTT RACKING UP THE NAUTICAL MILES SLINGING MANGOS ACROSS NORTH AND SOUTH GOOBERLAND
Since the Final Boss colonized South Gooberland and kickstarted the intercontinental mango trade, Brumblebutt has had less time to plunder and pillage
So while the tack shops and brothels near the ports report 52-week highs in earnings and loot retention, the old salty hippo has taken a hit to his personal bottom line
But a grifter always finds a grift, and Captain Butt has allegedly made up for lost plunder by quietly ransacking the Final Boss’ travel and entertainment budget
In a Gazette exclusive, Brumblebutt — who declined to be left “hip hop anonymous” — detailed his objectively clever scheme:
“Yarr, so I get double nautical miles every time I haul a barge-load o’ mangos from Barrio Ácido to Crockweiler Beach. But with me indentured oarsmen needing to ‘eat’ every week and the energy cost of transportin’ me own tush, the numbers just ain’t workin’. So I noticed the shipping route sorta overlaps with the migration patterns of pygmy right whales. I uninstalled the Orwellian GPS from my Queen Cringe and stuffed it down the blowhole of a mamma whale. Now I’m racking up the points while pickin’ the barnacle blisters off me seal-bitten foot!”
And while the scheme may seem risky, snitches deep in the pungent dungeon say the Final Boss is too preoccupied with his own cascading tower of grifts to notice the accounting blip
ROCKIES FAN EATS A PACK OF SOUR FRUIT FOLLOWING EVERY OUT
Littleton, CO graphic designer Gabe Derulo has had a rough season
Through May, his beloved Rockies had scraped together just 9 wins—a 15.5% winning percentage, the worst in the 149-year history of Major League Baseball
Derulo was in a dark place. But then his luck turned sour—in a good way
He did some quick math. 27 pouches per box. 27 outs per game. It clicked
Now, Derulo brings a box to every home game and hammers a pouch after every Rockies out, just to finally “feel something”
“I only do Level 1 for a pop-out, since there was real contact. Level 2 for a groundout—because, meh. But if one of my guys strikes out? That’s Level the-reee straight to the salivary glands!”
Derulo credits the ritual with helping him regain his edge: “Thanks to Final Boss Sour, I’m emotionally prepared for the Broncos to disappoint me this fall”
