THUNDER JACKETS AND LEVEL 2 STRAWBERRIES: A LABRADOR’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING FIREWORKS ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- Do you ever feel like the world is exploding and everyone you trust and respect is just obliviously going along with it — making you the only sane person left on the planet?
- That’s how dogs feel on the 4th of July. Their barking can be roughly translated to “WHY ARE MY HUMANS NOT DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS ATTACK!?”
- Fortunately for pups, there are two remedies to soothe them during the chaos
- First up we have the thunder jacket, the canine equivalent of being draped head to toe in your Aunt Edna’s Christmas hugs. Gently compresses the panic. Smells faintly of peppermint schnapps and mothballs
- The next, a 12-pack of Final Boss Sour Level 2 Strawberries – a scientifically proven way to shock your pooch’s system out of a panic attack and return its consciousness to whatever we are calling normal these days
- Your schnauzer will dig that the berries have only five natural ingredients and are sour enough to momentarily distract from the inexplicable artillery firing from all directions
- For larger breeds with stronger wills and meatier jowls, consider upgrading to Level 3 and have a pawesome fourth!
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MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES NIBLETTE
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter George Owen O’Flaherty profiles Niblette, the venomous little cutie and miniboss of Kiwi Level 1
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George Owen O’Flaherty: Hi there sweetie. My name is George and I get to work for the newspaper!
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Niblette: (striking) Press is the enemy of Gooooberland!
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GOOF: Ow my wrist! Holy s#!++, it’s swelling. I may be short on time. Um (checks notes) let’s see here, it says you were the first critter assigned at birth as a steward of the Final Boss’ Happy Youth Movement…how’s that going?
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N: I’m like a seed planted in poison soil. A scaly flute taught only one tune – never knowing it could sing another
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GOOF: Wow, that is profound and sad. I need a tissue. Speaking of which, the tissue in my forearm is liquefying. Is that bad?
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N: It’s the necrosis, but I don’t know bad
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GOOF: You poor child. Well, The Final Boss must like you, making you the youngest miniboss in the history of sour regimes?
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N: Yes, he loves my ideological captivity and my resourcefulness. I brought my own rattle!
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GOOF: My organs are failing faster than my first marriage. Why don’t you be a good girl and go fetch me some antivenom?
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N: Sowwy, I can’t leave my post guarding these twinge tangly sour kiwis. You are welcome to take a nap over in that pile of protestors?
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GOOF: Thank you for your time, Niblette
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INAUGURAL OZEMPIC INVITATIONAL HOT DOG EATING CONTEST DECLARES WINNER WITH RECORD-SMASHING ONE GLIZZY
- Geneva Castleman of East 77th St took the full ten minutes, but she managed to polish off an entire hot dog—bun included—to win the coveted Gastric Belt at the first-ever competitive eating event sponsored by and exclusively held for people on GLP‑1s
- The event, held at The Conservatory Garden in Central Park, was intended to counter-program The Nathans Famous Hot Dog Contest in neighboring Brooklyn and appeal to the 16 million Americans who, thanks to the medications, are less interested in food
- Due to muscle-loss and apathy, Castleman’s fans were unsuccessful in their attempt to hoist her on their shoulders as they sang The Starved-Spangled Banner
- The event was the height of meh, however, it had a strong finish thanks to a minor sponsorship by Final Boss Sour who provided Level 2 Blueberries to all the contestants in their gift bags
- Once the plastic surgery-clad socialites popped a couple sour blueberries in their narrowed oral cavities, they suddenly showed a zest for something other lying about their pilates classes and began gleefully spraying themselves with the leftover dijon mustard and sauerkraut
- Their dealer, internist Dr. Shlofmitz, who was at the event, tells The Gazette “It appears the blistering sourness of the berries cuts through the GLP raincloud that hovers over the brain’s reward system, giving my joyless patients a dopamine hit they haven’t experienced since their last milkshake”
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Max from Mill Valley Is 4th in July
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Summer '25):
1.SPH T - LA, CA........504 bags
2.JHN J - HPY JK, AZ....288 bags
3.JMRY S - SB, FL.......264 bags
4.MXFLD N - ML VL, CA...264 bags
5.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH...240 bags
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