PERMANENT MOUTH DAMAGE DECLARED AS LEVEL 4 SOUR GREEN APPLES RETURN FOR GOOD
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- Back in March, The Gazette reported on a tragic ski accident involving two young turds, a frosty pole, and a bag of Level 4 Sour Green Apples – the monthly drop at the time
- Now that the snow has melted, The Gazette followed up with the dinguses and a representative of sour fruit startup, Final Boss Sour, to see how they are doing
- And while the two muppets droned on incoherently about Elden Ring builds and why you shouldn’t summon help, the sour fruit startup gave the exclusive news that it has refined and relaunched the extremely sour green apples as a permanent sku
- Chained test goons from the Final Boss’ pungent dungeon tell The Gazette “Every bite delivers an explosion of mouth-watering, jaw-locking, eye-watering REAL apple intensity that will have you making faces you didn't know were possible”
- Mildred Smith of Tacoma, WA – an actual Granny Smith – gave it two arthritic thumbs up saying “While the sourness is keeping me young, the real apple taste has made me the hottest ticket at the square dance”
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Final Boss Sour Level 4 Green Apples go on sale nationwide today. Proceed with caution — or don’t. Granny didn’t.
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BIGWELL’S PARDON EXPLAINED AS HE ASSUMES THE ROLE OF LEVEL 4 GREEN APPLE MINIBOSS
- One of the few remaining shared values across Gooberland was that Bigwell, the notoriously conniving crook, is objectively bad
- Which is why it was mindboggling to most that last month The Final Boss pardoned the large wolf and sprung him from solitary confinement
- The wolf had served 46 years of a life sentence for an infamous rap sheet including porcine manslaughter, identity theft, and underage goat trafficking (kid-napping)
- Today’s announcement – that Level 4 Sour Green Apples are back and that Bigwell himself is the level’s appointed miniboss – sheds some moonlight on the unpopular pardon
- A pirate on the Final Boss’ Miniboss Nominating Committee (speaking under condition of hip hop anonymity) leaked this:
- “Yarr, that old wolf may be crooked and mossy, but the evil fire inside still burns wild. He’s just the kind o’ scurvy dog to guard the sourest fruit in Gooberland. No compass, no conscience — just carnage.”
- Sailor Hood, granddaughter of one of Bigwell’s first victims, tells The Gazette “I'd give literally anyone a second chance over him...but those new apples are fire...”
- Meanwhile, Hank and Quinnie, Gooberland’s only resistance against the Final Boss’ sour regime, are reportedly still in the denial stage of processing Bigwell’s return to relevance
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LEVEL 2 BLUE RAZZ POWDER AND WHOLE CHERRIES TOPS THE GAZETTE’S LIST OF BEST SUMMER ROMANCES
- In an effort to coddle its isolated and stressed out readership, The Gazette is out with a new mindlessly nostalgic poll: What’s the Hottest Summer Romance Ever? And the results are in!
#5 The reverse-statutory assault by Squints of Wendy Peffercorn in The Sandlot (1993)
#3 (tie) Two classics: Danny and Sandy from Grease (1978) and the equally sung and thought-about flirty ranch tension between Brad and Ted from Hey Dude (1989)
#2 No surprise, the courtship of Stacey Carosi by Zack Morris in the six-episode Malibu Sands arc of Season 3 of Saved By The Bell (1991). With no Kelly or Belding to keep him in check, Zack chases Carosi as a summer conquest. But her New York no-nonsense defense proves an even match. The two bicker, bond, kiss, and eventually admit real feelings — just in time for her to leave Malibu and break his heart
#1 The top honor goes to the unlikely chemistry between the ingredients in Final Boss Sour’s Level 2 Blue Razz Cherries (2025). Readers swooned over the bold collision between whole tart orchard-grown cherries and naturally flavored blue razz powder dusted by Derkus himself at the Sour Particle Collider. Like any great summer fling, this one will burn bright and vanish fast — so stock up now before this love story goes out of print
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SKYLER FROM PA FLIES INTO 2ND PLACE
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Summer '25):
1.SPH T - LA, CA........504 bags
2.SKYLR C - RNV, PA.....300 bags
3.JHN J - HPY JK, AZ....288 bags
4.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH...288 bags
5.JMRY S - SB, FL.......264 bags
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