SENIORS TRADE BINGO NIGHT FOR MANGO NIGHT AFTER TRYING FINAL BOSS SOUR’S ULTIMATE TROPICAL SAMPLER BOX ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- After getting emotionally nerfed by his grandpa’s ickcore retirement community, 7th grader Brady Braskin decided to smuggle in an Ultimate Tropical Sampler Box from Final Boss Sour
- The product was a hit. Gladys from 8B says “So sour I finally got the gumption to tell off my daughter-in-law”
- After the Arts and Crafts group changed the “BI” to “MA” on all the bingo cards, the new game, “Mango,” debuted last night.
- Here’s how it works: The 25 squares on a card are grouped into 9 compartments based on the Tropical Box lineup. (Don’t do the math)
- If a number drawn falls into a compartment on a player’s card, they must hammer an entire pack of that fruit/level combination to claim the compartment
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Pineapple Level 2 is FREE to get everyone amped
- Once a player has bodied a whole row of sour fruit, they yell “Mango!” to win the prize, which is the community pile of that week's untaken pills
- Braskin is now spreading Mango Night to all final frat houses and encouraging his friends to buy the home version
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ATTORNEY GENERAL LARDSWORTH FINDS "NO CONSPIRACY" IN THE DISAPPEARANCE OF FORMER GOOMIRE MAYOR MARSHRABBIT
- In part 8 of an 11-tiered Saturday night newsdrop, conveniently aired during a devastating whirlwind warp storm in East Sloopton, Gooberland Attorney General and Blueberry Level 1 miniboss Lardsworth announced he had concluded his investigation into the October 2023 disappearance of Goomire Wetlands Mayor Martin Marshrabbit
- In a prepared statement, Lardsworth, who is also the Chief Pig of Frumpkin Hill Farms, declared the incident to be “just a routine hare today, gone tomorrow kind of deal”
- On October 1, 2023, shortly after The Final Boss was mistakenly released from his exile in an expired pickle jar, the cottontailed mayor failed to show up for his morning readout, prompting his deputy bog turtle to freak out and call for a wetlands-wide search party
- During the confusion, The Final Boss installed Jawslicer as the Cranberry Level 2 miniboss, a title that has not been held since the last sour regime 80 years ago
- When local frog cops found claw marks and fur tufts in the hinge of Jawslicer’s cellar door, the Gooberland Unified Network of Knowledge (“GUNK”), an agency that reports to the AG, immediately took over the investigation and neutered the frogs
- Snitches inside his pungent dungeon tell The Gazette that the Final Boss determined that enough time and devastation had occurred since then that it was finally OK to drop a standard “nothing to see here” release
- Marshrabbit’s wife, Swendy Swampdeer, tells The Gazette of GUNK’s conclusion: “The lack of closure is just what I needed to not get on with my life”
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LEVEL 4 SOUR APPLES HELP YOUNG GIRL OVERCOME LAKE TERRORS
- Most Americans experience what doctors have dubbed “lake creep” or general anxiety around what can’t be seen but can be squished through the toes at the bottom of a lake
- However, 6-year old Kaitlin Coolidge of Manchester, VT has an extreme case
- Collidge is convinced that below her family’s dock at Lake Shaftsbury there is an old-timey, abandoned village with ghost kids waiting to grab swimmers and pull them “home”
- The kids were banished to the bottom of the lake in the 1840s for cheating at capture the flag and every year they need to add at least four kids to their jail
- According to Mrs. Coolidge, the source of the fear is “some 8th grade douche whose parents rented the place next door last year”
- Fortunately, mom read an article in The Gazette that eating extremely sour foods can ease anxiety and promote healthy risk taking among both adults and children
- Sick of missing out on the family wakeboard excursions, Mrs. Coolidge skipped straight to level 4 and fed young Kaitlin the apples from the dock
- The traumatized youth loved that they are real apples and rode the level 4 energy right off the dock
- Now she bravely paddles among the leaches and mosquitos, powered by sour
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STILL PLENTY OF TIME TO GET AHEAD THIS SUMMER SEASON
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Summer '25):
1.SPH T - LA, CA........504 bags
2.SKYLR C - RNV, PA.....300 bags
3.JHN J - HPY JK, AZ....288 bags
4.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH...288 bags
5.JMRY S - SB, FL.......264 bags
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