SOURANGES?!? ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- In a move guaranteed to spark both tongue torture and tongue twisting, sour fruit startup Final Boss Sour has unleashed its July Monthly Drop: Level 4 Souranges
- Sources say the Final Boss stole real mandarin slices from a youth soccer snack tray, duct-taped them to his solar panels, and made them listen to themselves complain while drying out for 48 hours. Once sufficiently hollow and bitter, they were hurled into his torture tubby and absolutely obliterated with a proprietary blast of Level 4 acids and natural orange sour dust
- The result is a citrus war crime, both incredibly sour and incredibly satisfying for those brave enough to pop a few
- But what’s the deal with the name and how do you pronounce it?
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Research shows that the population believes it either rhymes with a holy river in India or Beyoncé’s sister
- Tea gremlins claim that the resource-strapped startup is saving money by cutting an “O” and “R” from the packaging
- However or why-ever you say it, this fire candy drops today!
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NOSTALGIC FOR THE DAYS WHEN DIFFERENCES WERE NOT CELEBRATED, THE FINAL BOSS TAPS DECREPIT PREDATOR FOR KEY POSITION
- Two weeks ago, The Gazette reported that The Final Boss had pardoned Bigwell and appointed him miniboss of Level 4 Sour Green Apples
- Gooberlandians – who at this point are used to shock and disgust from the administration – still managed to muster up some head scratching at the controversial move
- While Bigwell’s horrific judgement and ruthless tenacity is in-line with previous miniboss appointments (see Butt, Brumble), the bad wolf has no known political allies and is abhorred by both sides of the aisle for his attacks on pigs and snuggly grandmas
- An anonymous crustacean on the Miniboss Nominating Committee cracked and spilled the chowder that Bigwell was chosen because he has spent the last 92 years in solitary confinement
- The ceviche snitché tells The Gazette that the Boss has grown cranky trying to clawback decades of acceptance and personal growth that infect the psyches of even his most ruthless modern henchmen
- The Boss believes these weaknesses leave open precious cracks for empathy and diversity which threaten his core need for control, unity, and obedience
- In the moldy lupine ex-con, The Boss sees a reflection of his own purity from the evils of enlightenment, and therefore a formidable protector of the most sour apples ever to grow on his torture orchard
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LOCAL SOURHEAD 50 ENTRIES CLOSER TO LIFELONG DREAM OF PLAYING CUBIVORE ON GAMECUBE, ILLBLEED ON DREAMCAST AND CAR BATTLER JOE ON GAMEBOY ADVANCE AT THE SAME TIME
- Skokie, IL, tollbooth operator Mitch Phillips has a beanbag chair that perfectly contours to his every curve
- Phillips has been living in his parents basement since ‘04 when they converted his bedroom into a cigar lounge while he was at City Hall contesting a loitering ticket
- At 42, he finally grew up and swapped out his gas station sour candy for sour fruit
- The move was made in effort to get serious about sour levels and a1c levels, but as of this week it is about to pay off financially too
- Final Boss Sour announced a mega sweepstakes: $100,000 in cash, or every major console ever made with a library of popular and cult classic games, plus a pilgrimage to Japan’s gaming district
- Phillips is a keen investor – he currently holds a long position in 3 Canadian weed meme stocks – so he knows which prize he will choose:
“I just reloaded on my Final Boss Sour Ultimate Tropical Pack to lock in 50 entries. Once my Smegcoin clears in Coinbase, I’m upgrading to the six-month Monthly Drop Club — for 5x the entries. That’s leverage, brah. When I win, I’m taking the consoles. Cash is for grind IRL-ers with dependents and ambition”
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RETURNING CHAMPION CLAYTON FROM OH CLOSES THE GAP WITH SOPHIE FROM L.A.
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Summer '25):
1.SPH T - LA, CA........504 bags
2.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH...504 bags
3.JHN J - HPY JK, AZ....360 bags
4.JNTN K - SPRNG, TX....336 bags
5.TFNY V - PHX, AZ......324 bags
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