SOURANGE FEVER HITS LEVEL 4. CDC URGES SOURHEAD SOCIAL DISTANCING TO ALLOW RESEARCH TO CATCH UP ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- After last Friday’s initial outbreak, Level 4 Souranges are spreading faster than any other monthly drop in Final Boss Sour’s twenty-month history
- “Absolutely love the oranges 100% will buy again” said TikTok shopper Kayla from The United States
- Sourheads keep sharing with other Sourheads, creating an exponential curve that regulators can’t contain
- Today, the Citrus Distribution Council (CDC) is asking all buyers of the the July Drop to self-isolate while they pull all-nighters to determine:
- How did they dry real oranges and how is there anything left?
- How did they make them so fu**ing sour?
- And how, after all that drying and souring… are they still kinda juicy?
- To lend credibility, the CDC has assembled a panel of orange experts including Tilda Swinton, Ron Howard, and former Speaker of the House John Boehner
- Constantly updated information about the pandemic can be found here
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MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES SMARGE
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Fabián Antonio-Ramon Treviño profiles Smarge, the underwater mouthpiece of the Final Boss and miniboss of Mango Level 2
- Fabián Antonio-Ramon Treviño: Great to meet you, Smarge. You look lovely this evening
- Smarge: Another stuuupid question from the corrupt media... oh. Well. Thank you. I suppose I do
- FART: Yes, my research tells me that flattery might disarm you. You have done a masterful job guarding the level 2 mango stockpile here in the Grief Reef. What’s your secret?
- S: A lady never tells. But let’s just say it has a little bit to do with how I imprisoned the elder box jellyfish and sea urchin and brainwashed their children to fight to the death in my honor
- FART: Now that is textbook minibossing right there. Speaking of bosses, besides your obvious charm, how did you end up in the good graces of the Final Boss?
- S: I helped him with a problem. You see, when he came back into power, there were a bunch of elitist sea creatures down here that weren’t getting with the program. I found a way to get HIS message across
- FART: A woman of many talents, how did you convince them?
- S: By shouting all the sour regime talking points over them and calling them stupid. Nothing muzzles an underwater opposition like hogging all the oxygen. You’ll notice it's mostly just H₂ when I’m around
- FART: Yes, that would explain the dryness. Thank you for your time Smarge
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S: You’re leaving? I mean, yeah scram. I’m busy and not drowning in loneliness. At all
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STEVE HARVEY BROUGHT ON TO QUELL THE RAGE AS SOUR FRUIT COMPANY DOUBLES THE SWEEPSTAKES ENTRY VALUES ON NEW PURCHASES
- Today, blitz-scaling candy brand Final Boss Sour announced that purchases on their website now earn customers double the entries to their $100,000 – or every gaming console and game plus Japan trip – giveaway
- The move was a direct f-you to everyone who purchased and entered last week and is now dealing with 50% entry dilution
- “I’m half the man I used to be” said Scotty Wayland of Cleveland who banked 60 entries last week buying Level 2 Blue Razz Cherries and Level 4 Sour Green Apples
- Sensing a riot coming, Final Boss’ PR tapped Family Feud host Steve Harvey to calm the nation. Harvey explains:
“Point value escalation is as American as apple pie. If we didn’t do it on the Feud, folks would tune out before we hit Fast Money. By round three, points triple and the early rounds don’t mean squat—but it keeps things spicy! As for the Final Boss $100k giveaway, don’t be sour that last week’s orders got less juice. Order more this week. Let’s be real—you were gonna anyway”
- And with that, The Gazette wishes best of luck to all entrants—new, old, and temporarily diluted
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RETURNING CHAMPION CLAYTON TAKES BACK HIS TOP SPOT
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Summer '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH...648 bags
2.SPH T - LA, CA........504 bags
3.SKYL C - RNV, PA......456 bags
4.JNTN K - SPRNG, TX....408 bags
5.CLYTN L - LA, CA......408 bags
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Got a Scoop?:
If we run it, you win free stuff!
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NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Ends 8/31/25. Must be: i) a legal US resident of the 50 US or DC and age of majority or ii) a legal resident of Canada (excl. Quebec) and age of majority at time of entry. Subject to Official Rules sharedsweeps.com/rules. Void where prohibited. Sponsored By Shared Sweeps.
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