SEVEN YEAR OLD’S EYEBROWS NOW A PENCIL-THIN MUSTACHE THANKS TO LEVEL 4 APPLES
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- “Well I’ll be—this fruit’s got more kick than a mule in tap shoes!” said a newly black-and-white, fast-talking first grader named Xander Sage of Westland, MI
- This week, on a dare from his broseph Dylan, Xander hammered an entire handful of Final Boss Sour’s Level 4 Sour Apples
- According to the boys’ delinquent aftercare guardian, the sourness hit so hard Sage’s face scrunched up tight enough to relocate his eyebrows beneath his nostrils, making him look like a pee wee Gomez Adams
- As the other kids pointed and laughed, young Xander kept chomping on the apples, furthering his transition to a 1930s wisecracking charmer from the Golden Age of Hollywood
- The boy began discarding his chrominance, while his tank top converted into a tuxedo and his Prime Ice Pop into a straight martini
- “I like my dames like I like this fruit-sharp, dangerous, and with a side of regret” Xander said of the apples and his female classmates
- While Mom remains catatonic and Dad is aggressively litigious, Oma is reportedly loving her grandson’s live matinees at family gatherings
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BADGER BASHES BOSS INTO POISON PANCAKE
- After a long drought, Hank and Quinnie — Gooberland’s last hope against the Final Boss’ sour regime — finally bagged a W this week by finishing Darthur and completing Mango Level 1
- It took over three weeks and five rolls of tokens to finish the level, with the biggest pain point being the vine-swing sequence across acidic quicksand, all while rabid howler monkeys rained down fire feces from above
- The win marks the first level cleared in South Gooberland — the Final Boss’ latest colonization effort and home to the coveted Ultimate Tropical Sampler Box
- With victory comes a stash of Level 1 Sour Mangos, which should help the duo build up the sour stamina they’ll need for tougher bosses ahead
- As for Darthur — the toxic treefrog and narcissistic miniboss of Complainforrest Canopy — he’s reportedly undergoing an emergency rejuicing procedure in a shadow research lab just south of his former perch.
- And while black market doctors expect him to make a full physical recovery, the permanent damage appears to be mental
- Once known for croaking endlessly about being the “T.O.A.D.” (Toughest Of All Dartfrogs), Darthur has since clung to victimhood, claiming the level was rigged, his defeat a hoax, and blah blah blah
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LEVEL 2 STRAWBERRIES DECLARED EFFECTIVE GROUNDING TOOL FOR GAMING SWEEPSTAKES ANXIETY
- “Every day I dream about playing Paper Boy on NES followed by Tomb Raider on Sega Saturn” says Sarah Middleman, a 37-year old Product Manager in Austin, TX
- “Then it’s Star Fox on ‘64, but then I start to spiral. What if there isn’t enough time on my Saturday for Pokemon Sapphire on GameBoy Advance or even Gran Turismo 4 on PS2!?”
- Fortunately for Middleman, she found that eating a few Final Boss Sour Level 2 Strawberries can help her stay connected to the present during this time of high emotional arousal:
“TBH I didn’t really want the candy when I bought it, I just wanted the entries to the $100k or every gaming console and game ever made sweepstakes. But now I know why they are connected, these things are so sour they really keep me grounded while I await the results. And they taste so good, did anyone know they were real fruit?
- When asked about her retro gaming obsession and her natural, dye-free coping mechanism, Middleman’s remote co-workers admitted they were unaware she had any depth at all and attempted to pivot the interview to promote their personal brands
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CLAYTON FROM OH PADS HIS LEAD WITH 3 WEEKS LEFT TO GO IN SUMMER SEASON
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Summer '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH...744 bags
2.SPH T - LA, CA........504 bags
3.SKYL C - RNV, PA......456 bags
4.JNTN K - SPRNG, TX....408 bags
5.CLYTN L - LA, CA......408 bags
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